302

302 part I

Dedicated To

The light of my life.
You taught me how to take care of myself.
Explained the steps of taking care of ones mind, body, and soul.
I saw you in my dreams and our paths crossed again.
Life is full of coincidences but you were completely unexpected.
I knew I was in love when I no longer wanted to fall asleep.
That's when I knew reality finally became better than my dreams.
No matter what life puts in our way or wherever it takes us,
Remember that nothing real can be threatened.
Real love will always come back no matter how far it's drifted away.
First, we must learn to love ourselves.
We cannot romanticize life as if we cannot live without it.
Many of us want success but don't want the struggle.
In order to grow, we have to go through the worst in life.
When all goes bad, eventually all will revert to good.
You are the light of my life.

- Paris Vang
2018

Part I

1
Penelope Bleu

It was a busy night in New York City as usual. It's the middle of October and it's raining outside. I'm sitting inside of my condo on my bed of white sheets writing about something I don't exactly know how to finish. Sitting here alone is like knowing that it's already going to be a long gloomy night. I've been living on my own in New York City for about a year now. The people here really mind their own business. Everyone has their own dreams over here and live in their own world. But that's just how I see New York. You'd be lucky if someone took the time out of their day to ask you how your life was going.
There's a huge window right beside my bed. You can see all of the big lights in the city, stores after stores, so much diversity, and millions of people. New York City is one of the busiest places in America. Probably one of the most beautiful sights to see if you ask me. How is it that you can be surrounded by thousands of people but still feel so lonely at the same time?
I'm sitting here writing about myself. I mean, I'm not that interesting of a person, but I like to look back at some of the things that I've been taught.
I am an evolving writer in New York City and some crazy things have happened along my journey. Some good, some bad, but that's just the process.
See, I live in a generation of people who want to be heartless, savages, and lost of feelings. Finding someone that is just like yourself isn't an easy thing to do but you should not become cold like the rest. For me, learning how to love was a blessing in disguise. The whole process and every lesson inside of it was what shaped me to be who I am today. A four letter word with an infinite amount of meanings to it.
I am a romance novelist and I am in love with the idea of love. Love is about being truthful, honest, expressive, and full of feelings. If it doesn't work out in the end, you just have to find your light again. It's sad to see people become foolish and cold because of the society we live in.
The reason why I'm saying all of this is because I've been in love before. I've fallen through this trap with the coldest heart. I was treated so poorly and I never understood nor listened to anyone. I believed every word that was said to me and in the end I was always wrong.   Although, the pain wasn't surprising anymore. The problem with me was that I forgave people to easily. You could do me wrong and I still wouldn't think those were your intentions. Being a forgiving person wasn't necessarily a bad thing. . . but when you constantly get hurt by the same person over and over again, they shouldn't be given more than a second chance.
After a long period of time it didn't matter to me in the end because after awhile you either forget it or get so used to the pain that you just don't feel it anymore. I was screwed over horribly for being a faithful person. This world is full of cruel people and everyday I ask myself how can such kind hearted souls live in such a cold hearted world?
But that was only my first love. I had too much love for someone that showed me I wasn't good enough for them. I think that's the saddest part about being in love. It's the fact that everyone becomes so afraid after they've been treated horribly for the first time. Being scared out of love is a sad thing.
One thing I've learned is that you'll come across a crazy amount of people and things that will hurt you in your life but you'll always get a lesson out of it. If you let it all sink in, it'll only make you wiser. It'll keep you awake and aware.
I am in love with this idea of love but I will never force love. You have to be with someone who moves you. Someone who cares about you. Someone who is not malicious, but someone who genuinely cares for your well being.
Being in this exciting city makes me ambitious, but it also makes me the loneliest person on earth. Maybe I'm exaggerating but I've realized that you can't let loneliness be the reason why you stick around. If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, let them appreciate your absence. Moving on isn't something that we as humans can do naturally when we love deeply, but once I did it, I always told myself to put my pride in front of my feelings.
That was the past though. I've grown too much to still care about what my first love has done to me. Although I'm talking about it right now, there's a purpose to all of this. The past exists because it's meant to be understood. If you don't know where you've been, you can't know where you are and if you don't know where you are, you'll never find out where you're going.
That's me at the moment. I'm slowly trying to find out where I'm going. I've been away from everyone and I've become a selfish person.
What I mean by selfish is that I've been focusing on myself and doing what I need in order to become what I want to become. All I needed was a couple of goals and no distractions. But I never realized that I could never be fully satisfied with my lonely happiness. I liked being left alone but the fact that my favorite thing to do was write about love made me nothing but even lonelier.
I've been in love with someone who didn't love me back. As cliché as that sounds, we only want what we can't have. I was in love at a very young age. Some people don't believe me when I tell my stories, but they're all too old to remember.
My name is Penelope Bleu. I am 22 years old and I work for Ineffable Print in Manhattan, New York. I've come a long way with my writing dreams. This writing world is a competitive place. Everyone has their own genre and way of exploring their imagination. Writing has been around for so long that every idea has probably already been written. That's why most books, stories, or movies can be considered a cliché. Most people would refer to me as the imaginative, fantasy, lovey-dovey type of person. I've always been that way ever since I was a little girl. My head is just one crazy imagination. But through it all, I'm glad to say that I have made my dreams become a reality.
Although, I wouldn't of been able to accomplish my dreams without my family. My mom and dad are my drive. They were the two figures in my life that supported me the most. Growing up, it was just my younger sister Gracie and I. She's eleven years old. There's a huge age gap between us, but it seemed just about right.
My family is from Minnesota; however, I never take the time out of my day to go and see them. I miss them dearly but I've been too focused on work in the city. Gracie is a soccer player, swimmer, and a ballet dancer. I've never taken the time to go and see one of her games, meets, or performances, but I wish I could have before I left. See, that's what I mean. There I go again being a selfish prick. Although, I'm just out here trying to become successful; I do it all for them.
Most people think that there's only one way of live, but that's not exactly how life is supposed to be. You should be the one in control of how far you go and how much you accomplish. I accomplished my dream of becoming a romance novelist because of one simple thing, I wrote.
I enjoyed writing because of what I experienced. The feelings, the emotions, the intensity. I love writing but writing is one lonely job. I'm sitting here alone in my condo writing about myself, I've finished a huge step in my career, I haven't seen my family in a while, and I can't exactly afford love. I've actually been crawling out of it.
It's the middle of October and I'm trying to figure one thing out. I was given a task that I don't exactly know how to finish. You're probably confused at the moment. But this is me, Penelope Bleu from the future.
Seven months ago I signed up for an internship at Ineffable Print and I got the job. My job was pretty simple. All I had to do was further my education. I was given so many tips and experienced so many things that helped improve my writing.
The last week of my internship ended in May. Instead of learning the basics of how to write, my boss Patrice Porter, one of the greatest writers of all time, gave me and all of the other interns five assignments on our last five days of working. They were writing prompts, simple and easy. I finished them all in a flash, but the last assignment got me into an unexpected disaster. The last day of my internship turned into something I would've never expected.
This is all back story, as my reader I need you to understand where I'm going with this. You don't have to understand right now but the story goes as follows.
I'm here to tell you a story of what happened to me six months ago. After my first love, before my second heartbreak. Although it's not exactly finished because I don't know how it finishes yet. . . Just try to follow along.
Six months ago I was given one last assignment from my boss to write the. . .
Wait, let me rewind.