Feelings.

one a.m.

It's one in the morning and all I want is for sleep to come. Instead, the thoughts invade my mind and my heart hurts. I didn't  know why I've been feeling this way lately, but I think I understand now. It's because I'm scared. He says he likes me, but I'm doubting every positive thing I hear and see. I'm scared that he doesn't actually like me and that I'm going to get hurt. And I'm scared that if he does actually like me, then I'm going to screw up and hurt him and lose him as a friend because of it. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. I've never had a positive experience with relationships; I haven't even been in a relationship before, I don't know how this I'd even supposed to work. I wish I could be more optimistic about all of this, but it's not happening. I think I really like him, but I'm just so scared that one of us, or both of us, will get hurt. And I don't ever want to do anything to hurt him. He's such a wonderful guy and doesn't deserve to be hurt. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve happiness, no matter how badly I want it. There are tears falling down my face, they won't stop. I'm scared. I can't see how him, let alone anyone, could like me, whether as a friend or more. I can't see what he might see in me, I'm nothing. Nothing compared to the other girls he's been with. Nothing compared to other girls in general. I'm nothing special. I don't have any talents. I'm not attractive in any way. I'm emotionally unstable at times. There's nothing for him to like.

I hate myself. Why must I always do this? Something decent actually happens to me, but all I can see are the negatives, the things that could happen. I want to be happy, I want it so badly. But whenever I start to feel happy, the cloud of depression gets larger and swallows the little bit of happiness that's left. I feel like I won't ever be truly happy again.

I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt him, and I want him to like me, and I want to be happy and to be happy with him and by myself. I want to be confident and feel pretty and feel good about myself. I want what everyone else seems to have but I don't. No one knows I feel this way, but they wouldn't understand if they did. They never do.