(Discontinued)

01 - Beginning of confusions

"Where did you get that?". I'm looking at the pink and black book that determines the next two years. "They're down in the library".

Seeing people walk around with them is exhilarating, finally a chance to see what we will be expecting. Picking up the book it feels official and... final. I take a look through and some of the courses stand out. "Level 2 Hair and Makeup" hmm.

16th of June.
So I'm gonna take it back a bit. To May 26th 2017.

It finally feels like I'm floating on air. That you can actually see a way out of here, yet at the same time you don't want to. You spend all this time wanting to get out - only wanting to go back in time to stay longer.

When you're in Secondary school, you think you'll be there forever. You think you'll be able to relate to the teen movies like Mean Girls and High School musical and all the other countless films that are made to try and compare to the experience. But you're finally coming to the point of leaving that all.
I've always had the most respect for High School musical out of all of them.

Apart from the unrealistic country club summer break and keeping the same group of friends through out secondary , it's always been real. The third one especially. Her having to move away, having to face there futures, having to juggle what you want to work towards and what you think you want. It all came on top of them just like in real life. And if only I'd known that Troy Bolton singing scream is the foreshadowing of me in the upcoming months.

It's not embarrassing to talk about those types of films at all. Even as a teen. If you look hard enough, and if you're experiencing the situations, they are highly comforting. There's a reason you like them as a child... and it's because you feel some sort of relation to them. Happy memories and nostalgia , you not taking the film seriously at 7 years old... or getting to the age of where you are experiencing the same as them. You can always go back to Disney.

The U.K or should I say the school I went to did GCSE arrangements in certain ways. Our last day today isn't actually our last day. It's the last day of us all being together at the same time. After half term it will be the last two weeks of our schooling, before it's all over. Those two weeks are the two weeks that people we barely know but we have been taught to respect - have been preparing us for our whole lives, Scary ain't it?. The anticipated future determiner since birth. Finally coming true. Yeah those last two weeks we will all have our own timetables. Some where some of us go home during the day , some stay and so on.

Which is why it's Shirt day today. The re vamp of the primary school shirt signing , just older... and ruder. If you want to know if the Inbetweeners is really accurate just take your pick of schools in Hertfordshire... or any public school in the UK. Then again private schools can be worse.... I of course have already thrown my stuff as I can't wait to get out of this shit hole so I've had to ask a mate to bring a shirt in for me. I've still got my summer uniform which is all black and have thrown the white shirts for the winter as I won't wear them again... don't even ask we don't know either. A colour that absorbs heat for summer uniform. And one that helps cool you down for winter.

It's early on in the day, getting off the school bus that's colder than outside and lingering for a bit. It feels final now as everyone is realising they have taken it for granted. Of course some just generally hated it here and won't miss it, but no matter who you are after five or so years somewhere , it will hit you a bit. 8:45 and first bell goes. The final morning form all together. Just arriving and waiting outside the doors, looking to see as the order of people arriving is the same as every day, but final. Going in and taking a seat with everyone in the form in the same year for the last time. And just like that, first period. Of course I go in to avoid the crowd of the English hallway, gremlin year 7's and cocky year 10's. I sit and see our class arrive one by one, walking in "Oi you know they are trying to stop the shirts" Ryan says to a lad across the class, leaning on the table as we are the first three. I'm loosely drawing on the table so fuck knows who he's talking to. Of course... can't even get teachers that can pronounce names but are all for taking our shirts like cotton will burn down the school.

I see the person I've been waiting for, Oscar "Alright M" he says sitting with me excited, shirt on as he takes mine out. "Life saver" I say as I've seen he's written 2012-2017. "Cute". We exchange messages as I begin to get mine signed, even the people I don't talk to as much. "Sorry guys" Miss says coming in, scurrying as usual as she sets up. She lets us have our fun anyway though she's always been my favourite. I hear rowdy convo's and shouting from outside as people... meaning my year begin to go in to classes, quickly getting signatures before being pulled out by teachers "You can get them signed out of lesson time". Just fuck off like seriously

I'm at the back on the two seater table so out the window I can see people who make my gut drop, a guy that makes my heart go, and just general twats. That's how it gets in the end, me being a girl who likes to be treated how she treats others has always had a hard time at secondary. Fitting in with a group of girls is harder to infiltrate than the secret service. It just ain't happening if they already have a bond. I've figured that out by experience so in the end it lead me to a pretty shitty situation. And also ended up with me being seen as a user as I flit about between group to group - whilst chatting shit to make me sound colder than I am so my feelings aren't hurt... smart M smart.