I tried...and failed (Oneshot)

I tried and failed

Frank's been staring at himself on the computer screen for quite some time. He can't recount how long. Hours? Minutes? It felt like hours. His face physically aches from crying and his eyes are heavy with the want to sleep. But he doesn't, because soon enough he'll be sleep permanently.

He tried. He really did. He watched videos of them both. Videos like the first time they went to the state fair and Gerard threw up on the sidelines after he rode the Polar Express- after he had eaten 2 elephant ears and a glazed donut. Another video Gerard had sent him as he sat in the Taxi (because he refused Frank's offer to get off work early to pick him up) in a white t shirt and uniform pants and boots. He had said it was really hot but he was used to it; that Afghanistan was nothing like America. The mannerisms, the culture, the food, his surroundings. He desperately wished Frank was with him then, and that he couldn't fucking wait to see him.

Frank's heart, or what he felt was left of it, pumped feebly as he remembered their wedding and he broke down again. He just broke completely. Sniffling and quick gasps for breaths. He let out tiny screams as he rubbed his eyes and felt drool falling from his mouth. The screams were partly because he longed for Gerard like no person has ever wanted someone to be by their side, and partly because he knew Gerard was crying if he was watching him right now. If Gerard was watching him, he knew Frank's intentions... and Frank felt guilty. He'd seen how he stumbled through the day barely taking notice of the people that continued on around him. Time had slowed down whenever he left his room. Their room.

His head throbbed every second in a dull fashion as he tried to fix himself up. He was 28 for christ's sake. He shouldn't be crying like this...no matter what he was about to do. It still took him a while to steady his breathing and he still choked on his breath as he reached for the computer mouse. Frank unhurriedly trained his wet eyes on the record button and watched it light up eagerly in complete opposition to his mood.

The timer started ticking and again, he stared at himself. His face seemed droopy. He knew how long he had sat there before he spoke because of the timer.

3:08.

He took a shaky deep breath.

The only source of light in the room was the lamp next to him. The room looked better lit onscreen than how it actually was.

"This is," His voice cracked and he gulped. "Number...I don't know. I forgot." He wiped his left eye and then rubbed his hand on his jeans. "I guess it doesn't even matter to be honest." He shrugged, sniffling once.

"Straight to the point," Frank whispered as he stared at the camera.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't, Gerard. Not without you. I tried. I tried so hard. I went day through day thinking I'd be okay. Thinking time would heal me. It didn't. I still sleep with your shirts on. I never wash them. I miss you." Frank exhaled and wiped his eyes to better his vision.

"You always told me that if I killed myself you would too...because you couldn't live without me. And you told me that if you died, I had to promise to live on. I did. You never said I had to stay, though. You never said to live on until I die. I found a loophole." A tear slid down his cheek and his bottom lip trembled.

"I love you. I miss you. I don't know what to do since you're not here anymore. The day they showed up at the door-" Frank starts choking in his tears. "T-They showed up and...and I lost it. I started screaming. I tr-tried to fight him. I-"

Wipe his face.

"God, Gerard. I couldn't even breathe. F-fuck their fancy way of saying my husband died. FUCK IT! I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO SUGAR COAT IT! JUST TELL ME MY HUSBAND WAS KILLED IN ACTION!"

Frank's head falls into his hands as he cries again for a few more minutes, the tragic day flashing in his mind.

"I never wanted you to start that, Gerard. I told you. We had a-an argument, remember? We didn't speak to each other for almost 2 weeks. But I loved you and that was what you wanted to do. I let you go. You came back. I let you go. You came back. I let you go. You came back. I let you go and you died on me. I-I was waiting for a phone call. You said sometime...sometime in September...I'd- You'd be able to call me. You never did."

Frank blows his nose in his shirt and sighs. His head is feeling oddly dizzy. The room spins a little. Just slightly. This makes Frank hurry up.

"I say a different version of this everytime I record, have you noticed? I'm stupid. I've done so many stupid things but one...and that was fall in love with you. That was the most amazing thing I've ever done. I don't ever regret it. Ever. It's the best thing, you know?" He whispered. "You're so terribly perfect."

Franks gasps as he feels something build up in his mouth. He swallows it down and almost vomits at the taste.

"My body is betraying me. The pills weren't supposed to work this fast. I found a loophole. Did I tell you that?" He honestly looks confused as his head tilts to the side.

"The last thing you said to me was I promise. You said you loved me and you'll be back soon. I'll make one last promise." Frank drags himself closer to the screen and rests his forehead against it as his eyes slip shut.

"You'll see me in a few minutes, baby."

Frank feels his heart beat extremely fast, like a helicopter blade. And his throat is hot as something slowly builds up inside. His fingers start to twitch. His body starts to twitch. His eyes flicker open and closed as his pupils flit around before deciding to just roll to the back of his head. He can't breathe.

He can't breathe.

I am sad and I am obsessed with war history.

I took this screenshot from Frank's tour announcement video. Hope you have fun whoever goes:)