[Only Your Star]

Sakuma Ritsu || Complete

!!Trigger Warning: Panic Attack!!
Timeline is set during Knights Musketeer Gacha story

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Ritsu waking up earlier than you was a rare occurrence.

It hardly ever happened and most of the time you wouldn't even notice because sooner or later Ritsu would snuggle up to you again and drift back to sleep as if nothing had ever happened and then you'd start your day as usual, waking up encaged in his arms, a soft smile playing on your lips as his breath tickled your nape and felt the press of warmth of his chest against your back. Mornings like these were precious and one that the both of you shared often but never get tired of. It left a fuzzy feeling in your chest and a smile you could never contain.

But today was different.

Ritsu had woken up to the intrusive brightness of the morning sun flooding into your room through the open curtains and while he would usually shake it off with a grunt and fall back to sleep, today Ritsu found that he couldn't and was instead plagued by a sudden feeling of restlessness and an uneasy feeling of nostalgia.

It tugged at his heart, clawing at his memories as the faintest trace of his memories started to seep into his sleep-induced consciousness.

The memories, though hazy, reminds him of his vulnerability and a frown naturally pulls his at his usual gentle features.

"Stupid..." He mumbles to no one in particular except the thoughts that plagued his mind.

Ritsu breathed deeply then counted up to five. 

One. The reason Knights fell apart was partly his fault. Two. He could have done something. Three. He was a coward. Four. It was his fault. Five. He hasn’t changed a single bit since then.

Ritsu’s breath hitched despite his earlier attempts to calm his mind. He hated it whenever this happened, when an unexplained anxiety and fear gripped him, churning his insides and suddenly the room didn’t feel too bright anymore. It was dark and cold, what was it he was complaining about earlier? Ah.. Ritsu thought, I can’t remember. Ritsu felt weak, numb and tense all at the same time, his vision spun and his heart pounded in his ears.

He felt like he was about to die.

It was his fault.
It was his fault.
It was his fault.
It was his fault.
He doesn’t deserve to be happy.

The words repeat like a mantra in his head, a curse as he relives the past couple of years in his head in a few mere seconds. He’s been trying his best to change for the better hasn’t he?

People told him they were proud of him. Ritsu reassured himself.
But what if they were lying?

Mao said he’s taking better care of himself.
He just didn’t want to be a burden.

Knights is doing better now, there’s a bunch of excited first years and Tsukasa was a better leader than they thought.
But what if history repeats itself? Ritsu doesn’t want them to fall. Not again.

The duvet shifts but Ritsu’s barely conscious enough for it to register in his mind, he hears someone calling him and feels hands on his cheeks but he’s shut his eyes tightly and locked his fingers in his hair.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. He chants between sharp breathes.

“Ritsu!”

_____ said she loved him.