Odd

part 1 the begining.

i sit on the shower floor. my wet hair straggled in front of my eyes. my knees are up to my chest. i feel weak. i haven't eaten in a day or two.

there's no music on, steam is all around me in the room, i take a deep breath through my nose and the air is warm going into my lungs. i feel like i can't breathe it's so hot. i scoot over to the handle and pull it down, the water stops, dripping on the bath faucet. i stand up.

there's a loud obnoxious ringing in my ears. the room is blurry. my head is pounding. i got up too fast. it's too much for me. i open the shower curtain getting my towel and wrapping it around me.

i sit down on the bathroom floor and try and catch my breath. maybe for just a minute. i close my eyes and take another deep breath. hell. that's what this feels like. when the ringing stops i stand up and make my way to my room.

everyone is downstairs. except for Madison. she's never usually downstairs. she's good company. but she's had a rough time lately. i decide to not bother her. looking at her room door before closing mine.

now when i take a breath its cold. maybe it's a ghost. watching me make bad choices. i've always believed i ghosts, even if thy may not be real. i like to believe they are.

i slip on some pants and an old t-shirt and flip off the light. i stumble to my bed and lay down. it's dark outside. but somehow there's always a small light that makes its way into my room from the window. i never bother checking what it is. i hear the loud tv downstairs. dad seems deaf. it's odd.

i imagine what death would be like right now. if there's a reason i should be alive tomorrow. there probably isn't one. but there are a few people i still need to stay alive for. even if i don't want to be. i would put them into this state. the one i'm in now. suicidal. but always too tired to do it. i hear my phone buzz a few times, letting a little more light in the room. i flip over and look at it. it's the damned group chat. i check the time.. 9:57

i turn off my phone and think. does anyone else feel like this? will i ever stop feeling like this? i don't know the answer. it really doesn't matter either.

my stomach growls loudly as i clutch it. i turn on my side curled up in a ball. thinking about how there are so many amazing people in the world.

and i can't even hold down a damn meal. it's stupid honestly. i hear my phone buzz. i never want to check it. but there are two things: 1) anxiety makes me think it's someone always important. 2) what if it's someone important?

i look at my phone. a snapchat from anna. i open it up, she talks about something. i can't really process what right now. i talk back for a little while then i tell her goodnight. i'm not really probably gonna go to bed though. i'm just gonna lay awake thinking.

maybe i could listen to 'dear Evan Hansen' that always helps. i'm always afraid to talk about it though. because i might seem obsessed. when in actuality. i just wanna feel okay again.
i mean for god sakes. i cant eat. ill try again when i wake up in the middle of the night. my body never fails to do that.

that's the one thing i'm good at. not functioning normally.

my mom comes and knocks at my door. i know they're all going to bed now. they always try and say goodnight but i'm never usually in the mood. i face the opposite way as she opens the door. i know she's worried. and i know she's trying to help. but i don't know if i can be helped at this point.

she whispers quietly. enough that i can hear still "goodnight, i love you." she never fails to say that to me every night. she closes the door as i hear my brother race to his bed.

i like my room. it's comforting. it's a mess. but it's comforting. maybe i'll get around to cleaning it one of these days. not today. not tomorrow. but maybe one day.

the pain in my stomach is now excruciating. i wince a little as i feel a tear roll down my cheek, i'm not crying. it's odd. everything is so damn odd. i try and think positive as i hold my stomach. i would be okay. i don't even know how i got here anymore. how i got to this point. how there's a girl at school who asks me if i ate everyday. (thank you mallory you are a huge help and make me feel better) how i'm THAT bad. am i really that helpless?

if i could be okay. not even good. just. okay. for one day. or one minute. that would be an accomplishment.

i bet there are so many people in the world. that would be disappointed in me. for being this bad. 

and there are people who have it worse than me. and i'm just acting like a baby. i need to toughen up. i need to stop doing this. somehow. i don't know how yet.  spring break is hell for me. staying at home. nowhere to go.  everyone's having a blast. i'm at home. if only i was okay. then i might have places to be

anxiety is what kept me from marching band, swimming, pep band, or just cancelling plans with people. in worry of screwing things up. which i'm bound to do. if i can barely handle spring break. i don't know how in the hell I'm going to handle summer.

i soon fall asleep. these terrible thoughts wrapping my brain like a blanket on a newborn. the cat on the end of my bed. he sleeps with me during bad nights. he obviously doesn't know he'll be here tons of nights more.