Keep Holding On

Part Eleven

He let me go and l saw the hurt flash in his eyes. I wanted so much to be with him, to let him be with me, but I, mentally, couldn't. "I'm sorry, I can't." I walked around him and back into the house. I looked at him one last time before I closed the door.

**************************

The next couple of weeks didn't get any better. The nightmares were getting worse. I wasn't sleeping, or eating. All I wanted was to be done. To not be here anymore. I didn't know how many showers I had taken to try to and get rid of his touch. It never worked. Brianna told me she had to get back, she had used all her vacation time and needed to get back to work. I understood. I just didn't know how I would make it without her and be alone.

I walked into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet and rifled through it. I found the case of razors that Ronnie had left there and took one out. Sitting on the floor, the only thought I had was that I was just a burden to everyone around me. Especially Ronnie. I had hurt him so much, without intending to. If I wasn't here, he could move on and be happy again. The tears streamed down my face as I swiped the blade across my skin, just deep enough to feel it, once, twice. I saw the cuts start to bleed and immediately threw the blade to the ground. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my arm.

I had a realization. Why was I letting him win? Why was I letting him have this power over me? I walked downstairs and looked outside, I saw Ronnie's car in his driveway and I started walking, then running to his house. I knocked on the door, still holding the towel against my arm when it opened. "Sydney? What's wrong?" Michael ushered me into the house and went to grab my arm. I wouldn't let him.

"Ronnie. I need Ronnie." He nodded, as he saw the tears streaming down my face. I had to see him.

"Come on, he's upstairs." He grabbed my other arm and lead me to Ronnie's room and knocked on the door. "Ronnie, Syd's here." I heard his feet hit the floor and the door being thrown open. He looked at me and smiled before he saw my arm and the tears.

"Baby, come here." I walked to him and he closed the door behind me. "Let me see, please?" I offered my arm and he unwrapped it, gasping when he saw the cuts across my arm. "Come on, let me clean these up." I felt like I was having an out of body experience, like I was standing outside myself, watching what was going on. "Were you trying to leave me?" I didn't answer right away.

"I thought if I wasn't here, you'd be happier. Everybody would be. I'm just a burden to you, to Bri. It's not fair to you, the way I hurt you. I'm so sorry." He finished bandaging my arm before he said anything. He reached up and cupped my face with both hands, his thumbs drying the tears from my cheeks.

"You were never a burden to me, beautiful. You could never be. Promise me you won't do that again." I nodded and let him take my hand. He lead me out and I sat on his bed. I looked around, not knowing what to say to him. He sat next to me and took my hand in his. "I'm glad you're here, baby. I missed you so much." I looked at him and tried to smile.

"I missed you, too. I'm sorry I shut you out. I just..... All I could see was him, I couldn't get past it, I couldn't let you touch me, or let this touch you." I stood up and looked at him. "I didn't know that I was pregnant. I'm so sorry I didn't come when you asked me too, Ronnie, I'm so sorry." He got up and wrapped his arms around me.

"Don't, baby. You have nothing to be sorry for." I pulled away.

"Yes, I do. It was my fault. If I would have left the day before, it wouldn't have happened. I would still be pregnant and happy with you." He shook his head.

"If it's your fault, then it's mine, too. I left you alone. I shouldn't have left. If I would have been there, he wouldn't have touched you. We can go back and forth all day, Syd. It was only his fault, and his alone. Their charging him with assault and 1st degree rape, breaking and entering. Trying to get him for causing your miscarriage. They want you to testify against him. His bail was was denied. He can't hurt you anymore."

I nodded and rested my head on his chest, while his hands ran up and down my back. I closed my eyes and for the first time, I didn't see Jason's face. Just Ronnie's. "Can I stay with you?" I felt him nod and then he picked me up and walked to the bed. He laid with me and I rolled into his arms and closed my eyes. It was the first time, since before Jason's attack, that I slept through the night with no nightmares.

********************

"She's still sleeping, but you can go in and see her." I heard the door open and the footsteps walking to me. I opened my eyes and saw Bri standing there.

"Hey. Ronnie told me you were here. I have to go catch my flight. If you need anything, if you still want to come stay with me, you just let me know. I'll always be here for you." I got up and hugged her tight.

"Thank you for everything. I know I put you through a lot. I'll be in touch." We talked a little longer before she left and Ronnie came back to bed.

"You're going back to New York?" I took his hand and held it between mine.

"I was thinking about it. I have to get out of that house. I can't stay there anymore. I don't even know if still have my job. But now, I don't think I want to go back." He seemed to relax next to me and I sighed.

"Good because I wasn't going to let you." I laughed and leaned against him. "If you need out of the house, you can stay here, baby. I'd love for you to be here."

"I'll think about it. Do you mind if take a shower?" He shook his head and kissed my forehead.

"Of course not. Come down when you get done." I nodded and stopped him when he turned to leave. I leaned up and kissed his lips gently.

"Thank you." He smiled and kissed me once more before turning and walking out. I looked around and felt a little better. I didn't know if it was because he assured me this wasn't my fault or if it was simply being with him again.

I walked into the bathroom and looked at the huge bathtub and decided I wanted to soak in there instead. I filled it up and sank into the hot water and sighed. I leaned back and closed my eyes. I started thinking about Ronnie and if I could have what I had with again. Could I let him touch me after Jason? Would he even want too? Would he even want to still be with me? I knew he told me over and over that he loves me and I know he does. But a person can only take so much before, no matter how they feel about you, they're just done. I knew I was desperately in love with him and my heart would break in two if he left.

I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs and just sat there with my head resting on my knees. I didn't know how long I sat there until I heard a soft knock on the bathroom door.

"Baby? Are you alright?" I heard Ronnie's voice through the door and shook my head. I wasn't alright and I knew I wouldn't be for a long time. I didn't answer and that's when he opened the door and walked in. I didn't lift my head, I didn't say a word. "Sydney." He tested the water and rubbed my arm. "The waters freezing. We need to get you out of there." He started draining the water and I finally looked at him. He smiled tenderly and reached for my hand. I let him take it and he pulled me up and wrapped a towel around me. He lifted me out and kissed my forehead. He started to turn around but I stopped him.

"Ronnie, wait." He looked at me. I walked to him and wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his chest. I needed the contact with him, I needed to feel again. He didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around me. I had missed this over the last couple weeks, had missed him.

"Come on. We need to get you dressed. I went to your house and got you some clothes. Do you want me to help you?" I nodded and he lead me to back to his room. I let the towel drop at me feet as he tried not to let it affect him that I was standing before him naked. He tried not to look as he handed me my clothes. I grabbed my panties from him and shook my head as he handed me a shirt. "You don't want that one?" I shook my head and walked to his dresser. I took out one of his and put it on. He smiled and nodded at me. I crawled back into his bed and laid down, rolling away from him, I closed my eyes and felt him crawl in behind me. Once his arms were around me and he pulled me back against his chest, I instantly fell asleep.