Faults [ft. Chresanto August]

Four.

I didn't even know what to say, as in I completely froze. She was basically telling me that it was time to be a mom. I'm not ready for this, like at all. It was a bad idea to come here; there was a feeling in my gut of that, but I ignored it. My plan was to come and straighten things out, not to come and get her.

"Can I have one more week? To prepare myself and get things together. I promised I'll come and pick her up Sunday," I pleaded.

She stood there for a minute, glancing to the crib then back up at me. It seemed she was in deep thought, but she wore that facial expression a lot.

"You have a week Chanel, but I expect you to own up and come get this child. She is your responsibility and you need to be raising her, not me. I'm we grandmother, not her mother." Her finger was about an inch from my face, a stern tone managed to be spoken.

There was a moment of silence until she spoke again, this time is a more soft tone.

"Do you still work at the mall?"

Oh yeah, I never told her that I strip nor sleep with men for cash. She would be so disappointed, so I decided to just keep that to myself. No one knows that I do that; no one except Chris and Bri.

"Uh, yeah." I said in a shaky tone, she could probably tell I was lying; but she simply nodded in approval.

I started working at the mall when I was sixteen, but I got fired for showing up late almost everyday. I would oversleep because I was out all night, or had a hangover. That was about the time I started stripping and sleeping, it pays me better than the mall did.

My mom always did have more faith in me than I did in myself. She pushed me hard in school, and I was grateful for that. I was never a stupid kid, I finished high school with higher than a 4.0. She expected me to be a doctor or a lawyer; and at the time, those were things I aspired to be. Of course, things didn't turn out as planned. There are times when I think about going back to school, but I quickly remove those thoughts. I mean, I'm doing fine just how I am and I get paid.

"I just hope you get your life together for the sake of her," she nodded her head towards the crib.

"I told you I will and I meant what I said."

She rolled her eyes and picked her up out the crib. Her eyes slowly opened and she looked at me. Keep in mind, I haven't seen this baby since the day she was born.

Aubree is the most beautiful baby I have ever laid eyes on, and I'm not just saying that because she is mine.

Her eyes are a light hazel color; and she has thick, dark, curly hair. Probably from my Puerto Rican ethnicity. People could assume that she's been under a tanning bed because she has the most beautiful bronze skin. It's so smooth and soft looking. Her lips are full and pink, she's just perfect.

My mom rocked her up and down, cooing at her. "Hey baby, you want something to eat?"

Aubree didn't respond, she just continued to look at me. I don't know if I was seeing things, but I think there was a smile creeping upon her face.

They exited the room with me following close behind. The first few weeks after Aubree was born, I breastfed her; now I don't know what she eats. Probably formula food or something like that.

I was right.

My mom went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water; shortly pulling out the big container of formula afterwards. She popped it in the microwave and rocked Aubree back and forth a little more before the timer went off. Turning the bottle upside down, she tapped it twice on the front of her hand and nodded to herself.

"Do you want to feed her Chanel?" My mom looked up at me, awaiting my response.

I simply nodded and waited for her to walk towards me.

Once she did, she sat the baby in my hands and I cradled her.

My breathing became uneven as she sat in my arms. I didn't know what to do at this point. I guess it was just the guilt of leaving her that was taking over me. The feeling that came when she looked into my eyes. I felt as if she was reading me or something. That sounds crazy, but it's true.

"I-I can't do this, I have to get out of here." I managed to blurt that sentence out, handing the baby over to my mom. "I'll see you next week." I mumbled, "maybe."

There comes a point in time where you have to grow up. It may be today, maybe tomorrow, might be in a couple of years; but when you decide to, it'll be the best thing that has ever happened to you. It could possibly be that I haven't reached that stage yet. I'm nineteen years old and I still a haven't reached that point.

I knew that I would have to see my mom and that baby; and me going im to visit her was a step in me growing up. But me having this child isn't going to change a thing. I'm still going to wake up, strip, sleep around, and most importantly, get paid.