Who the fuck I am

Anxiety. (1)

     If you haven't figured it out yet (by reading the description) I have huge anxiety. I have the feeling of constantly being watched where ever I turn or go, no matter the condition of lighting. Like in the hallways, in the store, even in the bathroom. I feel watched. Sure, it sounds great but when you feel you every move is being recorded into someones brain, it's a terrible feeling of judgement. 

   I also have a huge fear of the dark(?), I guess I have it now because I never had before. Actually that's a lie. I always have. When I was younger, around 6 or 7 I would be taunted constantly by my stepdad. He always meant it as a joke, and laughed after not meaning to hurt me, but he would make noises constantly when I would go to bed and as I crept up the stairs, he would make terrifying noises like scratching from the inside of the walls because we have a closet underneath our stairs, hushed laughter in a low voice (on purpose), and more. I always went up the stairs with the lights off. But now, I walk in the light constantly. Luckily I have a trail of light switches that leads to right next to my bedroom door. Even though he's too lazy to get up now and that I walk in the light, I still hear whispers and laughter, along with movement on the roof.

 Even worse, I see things. I'm a huge fan of horror and that such, but there's always one thing I learn to be terrified of. For Slenderman and that shit, I'm not scared at all. The Rake is a good example, I'm terrified of it. I imagine it crawling with broken and inhuman body forms and it just staring at me. Waiting for me to open my eyes. Sitting on the floor, crawling, or on my bed. Hell, even my roof. This isn't the only creature I'm scared of though. I'm scared of shadows, hint to my fear of the dark. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what is in it, waiting for me to turn my back to it but of course, I wouldn't see. I need glasses, if they're gone, I'm gone. In corners I see dark shadows blinking at me. Just, looking at me. I feel they're going to get me one day.

 I try to calm myself down by saying "Slendermans there for me" (because in the books and stories I read, he's like a father.) Or I'll say "If they want to kill me, why haven't they yet?" But of course, with my negative personality, I always find a flaw in whatever I say. But enough about my negativity, that's for the next chapter. Depression.

 Anyways, I think too far ahead in my life. So far ahead I forget completely about the now. I once was able to calculate my bank account when I'm 24 if  I did some exact procedures, so of course my calculations were wrong. I just said, "They're like an estimation, since I could get close but no one is perfect." But of course I lost that sheet of paper, and have given up all hope to be succeeding in life. Of course I'll fail, hell, I'm failing math right now and have no self esteem at all. 

 Back then, me and my ex girlfriend had wanted to travel to Japan and live there! I obviously have totally given up that dream ever since she stopped talking to me. So I have no hope I'll make it. But hey, it's one hell of a story to tell. Back then, I booked a plane (no money, I was like 10) and set an exact date. I even found a hotel in a town outside of Tokyo, but I don't remember what it was called.

     Anyways, I've written a shit ton JUST about what my anxiety is about. I have buckets more but you don't need to know my life. Just kidding, of course you do. Obviously, anxiety is italic while depression is in bold. Well this bitch is tired and going to start writing the other chapter.

                              -THIS BIOTCH IS OUTTTTTT.

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