goodnight & good luck 〆ramblings

an introduction

goodnight & good luck is a collection of thoughts and ramblings straight from the mind of me, a nineteen year old jewish girl with extreme social anxiety that comes coupled with depression and paranoia, forming a nifty cocktail of "i know the thing im doing is bad, i also dont want me to be doing what im doing, but i dont quite know how to stop".

also! lowercase is intended. in my opinion, it looks more aesthetically pleasing and for some reason it looks a lot calmer to me?? like, lowercase letters just have a chill vibe to them whereas capital letters seem very confrontational and upfront.

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this first "chapter" will simply be an introduction to the inner workings of my mind. my brain is sort of like a rundown amusement park that still pulls great attendance numbers despite the fact that the costumed characters yell vulgar things across the park and show up to work slightly inebriated, the rides themselves are not sound pieces of technology, and the food is a half chub at best. basically what im saying is that my brain has the makings of happy and fun place but sometimes minnie is in the parking lot drinking vodka at 11:45 am.

so now that you've got that lovely mental image, i guess i should introduce myself.

hi, my name is ryan. i'm nineteen, i'm jewish, and i identify as female. i am originally from las vegas, nevada, but in summer 2014 i moved to a small town in south dakota. i have a younger brother, he's three years younger, and three dachshunds.

my favorite color is purple (💜). some of my hobbies are drawing, writing, and playing video games. my current gaming obsessions are overwatch and world of warcraft.

in high school i devoted a majority of my time to the performing arts. i was in choir, show choir, color guard, drama, and oral interpretation. it was in high school that i decided i wanted to become a theater major, but when i started classes at uni i started to doubt that i'd chosen the right major and i still doubt that i'd be successful as an actor, because the world doesn't need more starving actors, that's purely my opinion.

in my junior year of high school i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and had to spend time in a crisis recovery unit as well as have regular sessions with a therapist, on top of that i was put on antidepressants. i don't believe the crisis unit or the therapy worked for me, and the antidepressants did work but i don't take them anymore because i couldn't get a refill when i needed it. i have had depressive episodes since but i just try to tough through it because honestly that period of time in my life where i was forced into therapy and a crisis unit were the worst moments in my life.

as you could probably tell, most of what will make up this book will be me talking about my depression when it does occur. it works as sort of a cathartic release for me. i don't really have a lot of people that i can open up to without fear of judgement, because the last time i opened up about my depression was when i was forced into that crisis unit, so it's pretty damn hard for me to trust anyone anymore when it comes to that.

i have received some very sweet messages and comments in regards to my depression that are along the lines of "you'll get through this" and i appreciate and cherish all of those.

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every time i update this book, it'll be a different topic, and that topic will be just something i've decided to ramble/rant/or just talk about. the topic will be in the title and i promise not every update will be about my depression.

for example i'll talk about the process for writing the next chapter of my book sardonic or if i did anything interesting that i find is worth sharing.

for now, i leave you with this introduction. stay tuned!

goodnight & good luck

~ ryan