Love Somebody

19. What hurts the most

Bunso... 1 4 3...

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay ni Mama. Hindi ako makahinga. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Isa lang ang alam ko; The queen has to fight for her klingdom. The kingdom has to be united for once the queen left - her phones and even the king wouldn't know what to do. Our hearts will break.

"Mama, please fight..." Hera whispered. "Mama, paano na ako? Mama..." 

"Hera.." Hermes called her. "We have to let her go..." 

"How can you say that!" She said hoarsely. She looked at Mama and shook her shoulder. "Mama, don't listen to Hermes. Listen to me. I love you, fight for us. Fight for Papa. He loves you. I love you. I'll be better just don't go." Humikbi si Hera. Hindi ako makapagsalita. 

The fear of losing the person that you have loved all your life makes me weak. It makes me even weaker seeing her smile like that. Wala na ang effortless smile ni Mama na palagi niyang dala para sa aming magkakapatid. Wala na ang Mama ko... 

"Mama ko..." I felt her finger drawing something on my palm again. It was a smiling face. It was as if she was telling me that I should be happy. 

"Mama..." Tawag kong muli. Nakita kong bumakas ang pinto. Dumating si Papa. Hermes gave way to him. Umupo siya sa tabi ni Mama. Kinuha niya ang kamay nito at inilagay sa dibdib niya kung saan naroon ang puso niya. 

"Feel that, babe?" He asked. Mama smiled again - as if she was saying yes. Nakapikit lang siya at tila nakikiramdam. "That's my heart still beating for you after almost thirty one years. Do you feel that? It's for you, only for you." He kissed her hand. "Babe, fight for me, fight for us, fight for our happy ending." 

Napahagulgol si Hera. Yumakap siya sa akin. Hermes looked away. The scene was just too emotional. Hindi ko kaya. 

"I love you, Babe... fight for our kingdom." He whispered. Hera was weeping like there's no tomorrow. Mama smiled again but after that smile, nalaglag ang kamay niyang hawak ni Papa - sumunod doon ang nakabibinging tunog na ayaw marinig ng kahit na sino. 

Tooootttt. 

Flat line. 

Pinatabi ng nurse at doctor si Papa. Hermes held his shoulder. I hugged Hera. Hindi siya makatingin. She was crying so hard. I was just looking at how they try to revive the life of my mother. after a few minutes, they stopped. 

"Why the hell did you stop?!" I yelled at them. Tiningnan lang nila ako. The doctor looked at his watch and spoke the most dreadful words on earth. 

"Time of death 9:00 pm." Binalingan niya si Papa. "I'm sorry, Mr. Consunji." 

Papa moved closer to Mama's bed. He bent down and touched her face. "Come back, babe... come back..." 

Iyon din ang gusto ko - ang bumalik si Mama - but I knew for a fact that she had gone on... 

And now all that was left in our family is a queen less kingdom...

-----------------------------------

"What the hell happened?" 

Iyon ang unang mga salitang namutawi sa labi ko habang nakaupo kami nI hermes sa flower box sa labas ng chapel kung saan nakaburol si Mama. It's been two days pero hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako makapaniwal. It feels like I am trapped inside a nightmare. Ilang beses ko nang sinusubukang gisingin ang sarili ko pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko magawa dahil ito ang reyalidad. Wala na si Apollo Cai Consunji. Iyon ang reyalidad na kailangan kong tanggapin. 

Hermes took out a cigarrette and gave me a stick which I lit. He acted as if he wasn't going to answer me but after a while he did. I could count the amount of pain in his voice. Galit siya. Hindi sa akin o sa kung sino kundi sa may sala ng lahat ng ito. 

"It was an accident. Her car was hit by a ten wheeler truck. Ang bilis ng mga pangayayri. One moment she was talking to me on the phone, asking me what I would like to eat for dinner and the next thing I knew we were in the hospital, Hera is frantic, Papa is worried and I don't know what to do. And now here we are." 

Napatiim ang gagang ko. "Nasaan ang driver?" 

"He's in jail. We have money, Ares. Ipinasara na rin ni Uncle Sancho ang kompanya na nagmamay-ari sa truck na iyon. Pero kung ako ang tatanungin, hindi pa rin sapat." 

Halos maubos naming dalawa ang pakete ng Marlboro lights na dala niya. Matapos iyon ay nagsabi ako sa kanya na papasok sa loob para tingnan si Papa at si Hera. Hera never left Mama's coffin. Palagi lang siyang nandoon at umiiyak. When I got in the chapel, sumalubong sa akin ang hangin ng kalungkutan. Papa requested for a private funeral. Sa unang pagkakataon sa loob ng mahabang panahon ay nabuo ang Consunji Clan. nahagip ng mga mata ko si Yto na nakadantay sa balikat ni Nikita. Yza was carressing Hyrons face while her husband Hector was carrying Hyan on his arms as if trying to put her to sleep. Yvo was there, with that nig boned woman. Yllak and Yna was there too. Yna smiled at me. Tinanguan ko na lang siya. Hindi pa kami nag-uusap na tatlo but looking at them now, I am really happy for them. On the other side of the chapel, I saw Hades and Zeus Vejar - sitting while talking in a low voice. They were both looking at Hear who was beside Tita Lexy - Mama's older sister. Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanila. 

I saw Papa talking to Uncle Adam. Nasa tabi nila si Aunt Laide na palaging hawak ang kamay ni Papa na para bang pinalalakas niya ang loob nito. The first generation were all over Papa - as if protecting him from pain. 

I kissed Tita Lexy's cheek. "I'll take over, Tita." Sabi ko sa kanya. She smiled. Hinaplos niya ang mukha ko. Alam ko kung gaano kasakit para sa kanya. I wrapped my arms around her shoulder pero lumayo siya sa akin. 

"W-wake me up... Hindi ito totoo." Sabi niya sa akin. I wiped her tears. I shook my head. 

"This is our reality now, Hera." Sabi ko sa kanya. Lalo lamang siyang umiling. Hindi niya pa rin  matanggap. Sa aming lahat - si Hera ang pinaka apektado. Siya kasi ang pinakamalapuit kay Mama. Kung minsan ay tinatabihan niya pa si Mama sa pagtulog - lalo na kapag out of town si Papa para sa business meeting. 

"Wake me up, Ares." 

"I want too, but I can't." Wika ko sa kanya. Yumakap sa akin si Hera. Mahigpit. 

"Ayoko pa, Ares... Hindi ito pwede." Bulong niya. I carressed her back. Napatingin ako kay Mama. She looked so peaceful and calm. She was wearing a blue dress - lalo siyang gumanda. May ngiti sa mga labi niya na para bang sinasabi niya na hindi siya malungkot sa pag-alis. Tumulo na naman ang mga luha ko. Hindi ko rin naman matanggap ang nangyayari pero kailangan. Mama had gone on, she will never come back and that's what hurts the most. 

No matter how much I want to hold on to her, I have to let her go because it will hurt most if I hold on and hope for her come back. 

I have to let her go, no matter how painful it is. I have to...

We all have too.