Thoughts For A Lonely Night

Insanity

       

According to the dictionary, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again, expecting a different result each time. By this definition, I am considered insane. I am insane, because every time I gave you another chance, the same outcome appeared. And I knew that you would do the same thing, but I continued to have hope that you would change. That was my first mistake, that I made one too many times. In reality though, that is not hope- it's insanity. When you told me that what we had meant nothing to you, I didn't believe you. I should have. Second mistake. I continued to let you play games with me, because I truly thought that you were different. But you aren't. It seems like they never are anymore. It has taken me far too long to realize this, but there is no hope for us. You let me go before we even stood a chance, like we ever stood a chance at all.

And I was left here, struggling to keep us together; to keep up something that was clearly not there. And you let me do just that. You knew exactly what you were doing the whole time. You knew that I would still be around, because you had me tied around your finger, hanging onto every breath that you used to speak meaningless nothings to me. Maybe, you even did it to other girls, and expected a different result each time, for the thrill of the game that you play oh so well. Maybe, you are just as insane as I am. Or perhaps you didn't even realize what you were doing to me, watching me fall apart and lose myself trying to fix you. I used to be someone who would never let another person bring me down so much. When I was with you, trying to salvage what little bit of hope I had left in you, I did not recognize myself. This person I had become was someone weak and naive - childlike. And I am not a child. I have dealt with so much in my life, and letting someone ruin me was not going to add on to that list. That is why I am happy that you played me. You played me so well, and the saddest part of all, is that I let you. You broke me, but you did not destroy me; No one will destroy me if I have a say in it. I am powerful in my words and in my demeanor. I hold myself at too high of a standard to ever let myself feel the way that you have made me feel ever again. So I thank you for that. You have helped me see that I do not have to be treated this way ever again, and I won't.

As for you, I hope that one day, you feel what I have felt- trying to bring to life something that was never going to bloom. It will hurt; it will make you want to give up, but you won't. You will have hope until the very end. You will do anything in your power to be with that person, because that is how much you care about them. But when they leave you stranded like a closet full of bones, I hope you think of me. I hope you remember how you made me feel, and know that I gave you my best and you did not. Maybe then, you will know just how insane I really was for falling in love with someone like you.