I'M BACK, BITCHES! :D
Well, now that puny middle school is over and I moved into the big kid school, or hell as I call it, I am slowly experiencing high school. It sucks. It sucks so bad. BUUUUUT, I just completed my first year as a freshman, and I decided to return to this awful rant book and please you idiots with more stupid words of hatred and annoyance. Fun, right? Alrighty, lets get started with an advice collumn.
I always get little kids either in middle school and younger asking me about high school, so here is an advice/FAQ for all you little scamps on here that want to know what hell you are descendiing unto. Lets get started.
FAQ #1 Is there a lot of homework?: Why yes, of course! But all us high schoolers prefer to call it 'bullshit'. Why? Because a lot of it *cough* math class *cough* is stuff you will never need to learn in the real world. Yes, I am sure you have heard that from your firends before, and it is dead on true. Now, they may try and trick you into thinking that it is useful when you sit at your desk, drooling with a headache, still trying to understand what the hell he/she is trying to teach you.
FAQ #2 Is there a lot of drama?: Oh man, don't even get me started. This is where I would say to you kiddies to just steer clear of all that bullshittery, but its inevitable. All of that stupid shit is impossible to avoid. You could be the quietest kid in school but somehow you will be dragged into it all. Trust me. Think I am wrong? Stand in the hallway for ten minutes and I am sure you will see at least five verbal or physical fights. Now, don't worry, the bad drama tends to be rare, its the common rabble that gets quite annoying. Its usually the stupid girls fighting over boys, whining because their best friend hung out with someone else, and other pointless crap that is useless to tell you about. It seems to be the girls that fight more than the guys. If the guys fight, its usually about their "Nike Swag xX420Xx Air Jordans" that they both paid $600 for. Like I said, pointless shit. But yes, there is a lot of drama. Be prepared. Resistance is futile.
FAQ #3 Will I be forced to try drugs?: Now this just may be my school only, but with the amount of druggies here, yes. Now, most of them are too damn high to even know how to ask someone if they want to try a smoke or a blunt. Hell, you probably have tried drugs with all the secondhand Mary Jane smoke hanging around the halls and in the bathrooms. You'd fail a drug test by just walkign through our school. Oh well, just remember kids, if you are stupid enough to say yes to drugs, don't worry, you won't be missing those brain cells you didn't have before hand.
FAQ #4 Does everyone do the deed in high school?: Why yes, most people do. Not technically in the school, but elsewhere. Its a sad world when I say this, but I know of things that have happend on field trip school buses. Oh yes, I am not lying. Zero privacy, just doing that stuff in front of everyone. It sickens me beyond belief, but yes, that stuff happens. I would say, a solid 60% of freshman aren't virgins anymore. And I'm sure 5% have HIV. Disturbing numbers, but eh, living in this generation, I have come to get used to shit like this. But anywyas, I know of people in middle school doing this. MIDDLE SCHOOL FOR CHRISTS SAKE. As my grandmother would say, "y'all need jesus." Not really, but seriously. So, kids, if you want to die at an early age, have a kid at an early age, or just get boned by some school slut, go right ahead. But I would just say stay away from that. But knowing you rebellious buggers, you al won't listen to me. Have fun with that Gohnoreea or however the fuck you spell it.
FAQ #5 What is one thing I have to do in high school before I leave?: While most kids would say try PCP, Acid, Grey Goose, Trojan Ribbed, or jack your dad's precious Porshce 911 and take it for a joyride, I have one thing to say; DO YOUR GODDAMN SCHOOL WORK! I hate to be the death of a party or the big buzzkill, but seriously, just do your shit that school was intended for. Just because you are in high school doens't mean you have to act like a total tool/whore/dipshit/asshole. Do work, get an eduacation, go to college, get a girlfriend, become a doctor and live a full life so your dumbass can afford to put a Porshce in your garage, Grey Goose in your "Medicince Cabinet", do Acid in your living room (but don't) and be able to screw around with your girl.
Well, I do believe thats it. But kiddies, just follow the steps to high school and you will be fine. Don't worry too much. Just say no to the hallway slut, the bathroom drug dealer and do your damn work. Thats all.
