Merandom 2

2 (Trigger Warning: Depression)

How do you describe depression?

For me, it's something heavy in your chest. It's your mind going numb. You don't feel happy, or sad. Just numb and heavy. You feel like crying, but there's nothing to cry about. You feel like exploding, being angry, screaming your head off. But you just float around in the dark of your numbness, and everything feels heavy, and you just can't reach out to your emotions. You become this empty shell. You're a void. Life has no more influence in you.

And as your consciousness starts falling apart, so does your whole life. Your job, your romance, your education, your social skill, everything that should make your life function. Eventually you're no longer a part of life, of the world, of your own existence. You're detached from everything, even your own self. You become an outcast. Even when you're among something, surrounded by festivities of life, you're still like an outside person looking in through a thick glass, sound-proof window. You just want to keep your head down. You don't want to stare at the world for you know you're no longer worth it, as it no longer cares.

And the tiny voice inside you keeps screaming at you: You should not exist! You don't matter!

Not anymore.  

It's like you were drowning, but you were also immortal. And as you keep breathing and filling your lungs with water, you can't die. You're stuck in an endless suffering. And you don't know how to escape that water. You're forever trapped.  

The numb, the emptiness, the heavy thing you feel in your chest, they make you wish for something as sweet as physical pain. Some of us go to the extreme as we harm ourselves, physically. They say self-harm is more comforting cause you can see the wound, you have proof the pain exists in the sense of physical form, and you can heal it. You can feel it as the wound heals and gets better. They're not wrong. A cut can be fixed much easier than a void.

At first you start with something simple as blood. Then you want more blood. Then you start wanting your head to be crushed, brain scattered around the floor. And suddenly death becomes an option. Not necessarily a sweet escape, just a better option than the alternative you've got. And when the time is right, when everything is prepared, when you're finally ready, you jump.  

Depression is not feeling sad. Perhaps the heavy feeling in your chest makes you think it's sadness, but being sad is just one of the triggers, along with disappointment and traumatic events and such. Depression is when happiness screams to your ears, but you hear nothing. It's when fear punches your face, but you're not scared. It's when people see you, and smile at you, and talk to you, and laugh and cry with you, but you're invisible. Depression is being erased by your own existence from the inside out.  

Depression means you're disappeared.