Dear World,
My whole life I've loved with my whole heart.
And I'm sure it's the reason why everyone calls me naive and too nice, because I go head first into trusting people or believing in something without really thinking about it.
But I call it passion.
My whole life I've been dreaming.
Dreaming of a world where I didn't have to pretend or fake my love. Where I didn't have to be ashamed for loving something that scared or disturbed other people.
You're going to think I'm nuts, but I love spiders. Not in my bedroom, mind you, but as a creature. Did you know that all spiders have an exoskeleton? All of them. Even the small ones.
Not only do they shed their skin, but they also create beautiful webs to catch their food.
I don't think you heard me. They create beautiful art in order to make a living.
I'm an artist myself. I'm an actor, a singer, a violinist, a dancer, a writer, a drawer, a painter, a designer. In order to grow up and develop a new skill, I have to expand my mind and get out of my comfort zone. It feels almost like shedding my skin sometimes.
That's what I'm doing now, I'm getting out of my comfort zone. Because world, I'm about to talk to you about something I've barely even said out loud.
I'm Pan.
There, I said it.
Sexuality has never been a question for me. I was raised in a very religious home, my dad is Muslim and my mother is Christian. All of my siblings are straight and dating. Although I know at least one out of the four of them is ok with the LGBTQ community, I know one hundred percent sure my parents, especially my father is not. Which is extremely hard for me. I've always grown up wanting to please and make my parents proud. But it's just hard to look them in the face and have this huge part of me that I can never act on for the fear of their disownment. I wouldn't be able to survive that. I struggle so much to fit in, being over weight, nerdy and "too nice" as people call it. I just can't imagine coming out to everyone. Besides, people know about being gay or bi, but pan is almost like this other part that nobody knows about or talks about.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet and honestly I'm terrified. But I've decided this for myself and I've decided not to let anyone tell me differently.
The world is still changing and I only have time. I'm learning to be patient with it. And who knows? Maybe one day, all of this closet stuff will just be a bunch of jokes. Maybe we'll upgrade to a house. Better yet a mansion.
But until then, this is where I'm at. I'm not overly happy about it, but I can't change who I am. And I won't.
So world, get ready. Much more is on the way.
Love, Me
