Fading Out

Chapter 11

"I did understand." His voice is so close to tears that I momentarily doubt my own conviction just to spare his feelings. But the moment passes as I accept that this isn't something ignorable. This is more than about just him. This is about me too. But he doesn't let me speak anything as he shouts his next words while staring at my destroyed house all around us. "I always understood for you. I understood that you were still in pain. I understand your life wasn't fair. I understand you never had a chance for your happy normal life. I understand you stayed for others but are now stuck here. I understood so much for you… why won't you try to understand me for once?" He isn't just releasing his anger at me, he is releasing anger at the house as well. "This place, this hell you have been stuck in for so many years has changed you. You are no longer the girl who died on her wedding day.  You do not have to be stuck in the past where no one had anything to offer you. You have me to offer you a chance at something real and you do what? You refuse it. You don't give it a moment to think about, do you?"

Before he can go on, I continue my side. "I'm not throwing it away. Believe me, I'm not. I'm just making sure that you aren't offering me something that isn't really true. No. Don't interrupt." I raise a finger to stop him before he interrupts me again. Thankfully, he doesn't though. Word this very carefully, Daisy, or he would explode once again. "I have put my heart out and have been hurt by the fates. I don't want to risk being that hurt again and you may not get this but I need to be sure. Because I don't want to be burned again. And if I take what you offer but it burns me again? It'll be worse than just fading out, Nick, and I can't let you break me. I can't let anyone break me."

I take a deep breath, while a part of me points out that I don't breathe, and I continue carefully from the fragile part. "There is love and then there is attraction. People say that there is 'love at first sight'. From the years of my existence, I can say that it is a lie. There is only one thing that can happen instantly. Lust. And if that is what this is, even though we may not believe it to be so, I don't see how this can be any good." I pause and see that there is a range of emotions visible throughout his body now. Anger. Shock. Sadness. Concern. And I finally figure that I have to pull out the biggest 'gun' I have to dodge this bullet.

"And even if this is true love I am being offered, and I would really love to believe so, I can't take it anymore. Because when you look at all things Nick, the final barrier between us still exists. I'm still dead. You're still alive. And that true love doesn't deserve being wasted on me. My turn is over, Nick and I have accepted this. I have made peace with the fact that I lost my chances when I chose to stay. Please don't do this. Please, don't make this any harder than it has to be. I have to fade out one day. You can't ask me to ruin your life along the way." He opens his mouth to speak and I stop him by adding. "And it will be ruined. No matter what you say now. No matter what you believe now. So please, let us continue this pretend-date, if possible, while remembering that this is indeed the pretend. Reality isn't meant for me anymore."

"So you would just let this go?" Nick asks in a very low voice, barely above a whisper. He looks crushed and though I tried to be gentle, I still can't help but feel guilty. "You would just let me go?" He asks again in a little stronger voice and I turn away. I feel him stand up on the now-forgotten blanket and turn to look at him. But he isn't looking at me anymore. He is looking at the house around us. And the expression on his face is one that is sadly familiar.

"I hate this house. I hate that it became your prison. I hate that it became my prison. I hate it caused you so much pain. I hate that it is the reason I feel my heart breaking right now. I hate that it is where it all started even when it can never end. I HATE THIS HOUSE!" He shouts the last words, his voice rising with every word he spoke from the whispers in the beginning to the top of his lungs at the end. And then he falls down on his legs with tears streaming down his face as he keeps chanting "I hate it."

There may not be much for me to give him but I have empathy to give. But it is not meant to be. Because when I lean in, when I am just about to rest my hand on his shoulder in solace, just when I am about to try for human contact for the first time in the past half century, it happens again. I dissolve into my ghost form again. And my hands, now ethereal, freeze just an inch above the crying boy whom I care about. I do care about him, but not quite enough to love him.

An hour passes in which he processes my rejection. He cries. Then he quietly sobs. And then he's silent. I'm still invisible but I don't move. And I stare at only him to see how he's doing. It has been a long time without sleep for him now and I think about suggesting it. But a part of me doesn't want him to. Because there are things he doesn't know. Things he cannot know. But things that he must complete. And if he sleeps, I don't think he would like the outcome. To lose despite winning. Because I may be angry. I may be vengeful. But I am not cruel.

But after half an hour of silence between the two of us, I feel like cutting him some slack and letting him sleep. I could always get him in deep sleep, only to wake up for the goodbye. I am even about to suggest it when he speaks. "Daisy? Are you gone?"

There isn't even a second's pause before I respond. "No, I'm here. I'm still here. What is it? Are you tired? Do you want to -" I don't finish because he interrupts me again.

"I think you were right."

I blink. "What?" I wonder what he's talking about. Then I abandon that thought and resume my older try. "Nick I think you should-"

"I think you were right." He repeats before elaborating. "It wasn't love. Not exactly at least. I thought about it, despite my mind not wanting to. It still argues that it all might have been love at first sight but I don't know what's true. It is the first time I have felt like this for anyone and I cannot be sure what it really means but a part of me, the sensible part of me, acknowledges that it might be lust." He turns to look at where I sat, where I still sit frozen in shock. "Your explanations were completely true. How could I fall in love within a night and a day? Don't interrupt me, please." He speaks when I open my mouth to speak. Some cold air must have blown. He doesn't know. "It has to be lust. That's the logical explanation. And though I haven't really come to terms with that, I know I will."

"My behaviour and my words, though, are unacceptable. I was harsh. I was rude. I was completely not a gentleman. And in this pretend-date, where I wanted you to have everything you wanted to be as real as possible, that is not how it should have been. I should have kept my feelings to myself when I had no idea of how they would affect you. I shouldn't have let my anger let me shout at you and I am horrified by, what I fear to be extremely painful, feelings I must have caused in you. For all of this, I am extremely apologetic. Would you forgive me?"

Just like the statement that started it all, I am frozen in shock. Before I respond though, he lets out a grin, though it is pained, and adds, "I hope you believe that. It was all non-sense though. It just sounded what I should say. Just making sure you don't wonder if I am bipolar to go through such mood swings. They did have bipolar as a psychological disease back then right?  Wait no, I read about it, it was manic-depressive disorder. Research paper once, not because I have it." Then he grimaces and I simply stare at him wondering if the shock made him lose his mind.

But then the shock wears off and I know only one thing. I feel hurt and disappointed. And deep within me, I accept it to myself. I wanted him to be in love with me. I wanted him to make me love again. I wanted him to convince me to take the risk despite what I feared. To make me convince that this would all be worth it in the end. Not to fall for my 'logic'. Not to be beaten by my fears. And I want to cry at this realization. Because even though he didn't, I think I was falling for him a little with those passionate words. And now, it was too late.

And then he blows an unexpectedly cruel blow, unexpected because I didn't see them, or the hurt they would cause, coming. "I hope that now that the emotions are out in the open, we can go back to enjoying what was supposed to be our 'pretend-date'?"

There are many things I want. To continue was not one of them. Still, I see it for what it is: An effort to make me happy. And I'm greedy. I'm selfish. Because though it pains to, I nod. For him, it can be a pretend.

To me, it is the Almighty's last mercy.