Escape

2 - Destruction

2 – Destruction

          “Got something stuck up your ass, Ava?” Mark Wallace imitated my awkward waddle. I wanted to say no, but the word wouldn’t come out.

          Carefully, I walked up the spiral school steps. He’d done more damage than usual last night. Someone dashed past me and disappeared at the curve. The bell had just rang by the time I entered the stuffy English classroom.

          I wasn’t really paying attention; I relied on the fact that I could easily just catch up later. While everyone else took notes, I scribbled a picture a girl in a meadow. My color-changing pen added blue, green, and red streaks into her dark hair that fell over her face. Her white dress surrounded her as she sat down, but in my head I imagined it as more peach; I just didn’t have the color.

          “…Now, can someone explain the conflict between the Capulets and Montegues?” the teacher asked a class that wasn’t listening.

          The last bell was a blessing for so many at Ravenwood; I just hoped Ray didn’t have another half-day.

          Instead, I heard the door unlock downstairs at five that evening. His groans and sighs were a good sign that he was too tired to do anything. Then I heard the staircase creak as he came up. My door was locked, though. I wouldn’t, would not let him in.

          The handle turned slightly and he banged on the door. “Open up!”

          I’d prepared for this. “I’m just studying.” I wished it’d come out a little stronger.

          “Open up!” It was like he didn’t even hear me. I wouldn’t let myself open it.

          “I—I-I’m just really tired.” He banged again. “I’m on my period!” I said desperately. The door began shaking off the hinges. I cringed closer to my French doors. I’d jump if I had to.

          “It was last week; it’s on the calendar.” The last bang set the door to the floor.

          “Please!” His hands were shaking, but not worse than mine. This was the most I’d ever fought against him. “I—I’ll do anything else.” I slid down to the floor.

          He kneeled down to me, like he had eight years ago. “It’s ok. Just relax, Ava.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes even when he put my face in his hands. “How could I not want something so beautiful?”

          I grew numb again. He pulled my body closer to his and unzipped my pants. He went on top of me, unzipping his.  I was already so sore I cried in pain when he penetrated. This time I couldn’t detach myself from this moment. I felt him everywhere. Inside of me, outside of me. His breath on my neck, his hands gripping too tightly at my ribcage, his wet, hot lips all over my face and chest. He had a hunger in his eyes and body, so driven to covet what was not his.

          There could be nothing worse than this. I’d burn in hell a million times before I chose this. I shut my eyes tight, trying to escape the pain. After too long, the bed stopped creaking and he left me on my bed in pieces. I shook involuntarily, trying to drift away for a little bit of peace...

Later, I woke up doused in sweat, my back sticking to the cotton sheets. I saw my bedroom’s glow-in-the-dark stars stuck on the ceiling and a ray of orange sunlight divided my room in half.

          I didn’t move. Quietly, I watched the neon numbers on my digital clock flick higher and higher to fifty-nine, then back to zero. The ray of sunlight disappeared and the silence was filled with faint cricket noises. By then, my bed was damp from salty tears as I let myself divulge in self pity.

          The door downstairs creaked open and closed and I heard Ray’s voice boom over my mother’s and bounce against the walls. My heart stuttered.

          Part of me wanted to be down there and stand up for her. Another part of me felt betrayed and bitter; why stand up for someone who wouldn’t even stand up for me, when it was their duty to?

          I knew what was happening downstairs and it was tearing me apart, but I drowned it all out by taking a shower. It was just loud enough to drown everything out—almost like it wasn’t even happening.

          My took my hair out of its ponytail, falling down like a sheet of black silk. I stood right in the middle of the stream of water, soaking it with shampoo. Then I heard louder yells that the shower wasn’t drowning out.

          I tried to continue like it wasn’t happening, but my hand was shaking too much as I reached for the razor.

          Suddenly, a violent thud made walls shake and I watched a drop of blood travel down my leg and wash away into the drain. Heavy footsteps stomped up the stairs like they had earlier, accompanied with sobs.

          I began feeling dizzy. Maybe I could kill myself now. I blocked the drain and let the tub fill up with water, but it rose too slowly. It had been a thought for so long to end it all. For some reason I couldn’t find the will to do it until now. I lowered myself into the tub and let the razor cut me. Mixed with the soap and tears, each cut made my teeth clench.

          And when the water reached a good height, I turned it off and could only hear the bed creak through the wall. There was something worse than being raped: listening to it happen to someone else.

          Sweat rolled down my body, I gasped for a deep breath and gagged on my own fluids. I must’ve been losing my mind. I needed to end it. Everything. My fist pounded on the shower’s tile wall, and I let out something that sounded like a mix of a scream and sob.

          You can end it all, Ava. Right now. I gripped the frame of the tub and slid into the water.

          I didn’t hold my breath.