Heyyy it's me Brian, coming to you from my iPhone!
I'm a good midwestern boy who loves eating food that are NOT organic and play football at my school, ViewPark School High, go Caterpillars!!
It's the first day of our sophomore year!! I'm so excited to finally start school again. You see I have no friends and my summers been pretty lonely. Except for the beginning of it, when my dog, Lucifer was still alive. But my mom killed it then fed it to me without telling me I was eating dog. But oh well. That's life I guess🤷🏼♂️.
Anyways, I get up at 3:39 in the morning to make my NON-organic ice cream sandwich with pickles instead of the ice cream cuz I like to pretend that the pickle is ice cream when it's not😅. And I wonder why I have no friends.
I sit down at my table with my younger sister, Gabriella. She's very annoying and has a new boyfriend every two seconds cause I guess boys think she's hot or something? She's eating a Quac Chalupa from Bell El Taco... from dinner last night. What a pig.
My dad, Shannon comes out of the basement that I didn't even knew existed until now.
I say, "Woah, I didn't know we had a basement?!",
My dad says, "Oh yeah, it's a new addition from all of that money we've saved from not eating organic! Isn't that fun?!"
I swear my dads not insane! Everyone thinks he is because he does weird stuff like make us eat non organic but it's just our way of living I guess. I couldn't ask for anything more!
My dad goes in the pantry and digs out a cows tongue, a classic breakfast meal in our house. It may actually be the most organic thing we eat! He sets it in a small cup and joins us at the table.
"So how did y'all sleep?", he said,
"Oh 👏🏻 My 👏🏻 God dad! Why do you always ask us that!?" My sister screams,
"What's with that attitude?" He asks
"Dad, be careful that's her trigger word this month... I think she started her period" I said.
"First of all, I don't think that's even a thing. Secondly, I haven't even started my period!!" My sister says.
My sister, Jaclyn. Comes out of the backdoor, because she sleeps outside with her girlfriend, Buddia. Buddias is actually a bitch... aka a female dog. Most families don't support beastiality, but my families very progressive and accepts almost anyone, even my uncle came out as a Nazi and we accepted with him with open arms!
She shares some cows tongue with my dad.
"God, why are you guys yelling? I hate when you guys yell, it makes me feel like our family is falling apart." She whimpers
I forgot to mention that Jacklyn was a HUGE pussy.
She continues on with, "Maybe we should contact a family counselor?"
"Shut up Jacklyn!" Screamed Bendala as she comes in the front door with her two kids, Kaleb and Brenda.
Bendala is my niece. Whom was born about 6 months ago and we're not quite sure how she became my brothers mom but I just don't like to ask questions. She's a very lazy parent and often tortured her kids, but again I don't ask.
"What's for breakfast?" Bendala asks as she lets Kaleb and Brenda out of their traveling kennels. Kaleb and Brenda are human but they do act like pets, like running around feet and beg for us to rub their cute baby tummies.
"Not anything specific!" I say as Brenda starts pissing on my favorite foot.
"Why do you let her do that?" Gabriella asks.
"Because I like the smell," I respond.
"Oh god, Brenda! Stop peeing on Brian's leg! He didn't give you his consent!" Bendala screams as she picks both Brenda and Kaleb up and puts them in the dryer and starts it.
And I knew from how this morning was going, I knew it was gonna be a great year!
