Apparently I'm His

SO SO SO SORRY THIS IS NOT A NEW CHAPTER

IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY THIS IS NOT A NEW CHAPTER

This is an update on me and what's happened and whatnot.

I need to clear some things up bc I have explaining to do.

(I'm writing this on my phone bc my laptops broken sorry)

Ok so let's flash back to summer 2012. Apparently I'm His was beginning to become somewhat popularish (by that I mean I was getting a steady stream of comments and views and blah blah blah not to sound pretentious) and I was pretty excited for life and everything in it including my dirty secret of writing shitty fanfiction about 5 superstars. It was a good summer and I was in a new relationship and I was falling in love and it scared the absolute shit out of me.

But I loved it. Fuck did I love it.

Then I began getting messages. Rude ones, mind you. And they were about my writing and how much of a loser I was for writing shit like fanfiction and how it was dumb etc. And I'm not gonna lie, it got to me. It sucked. And I lost motivation for writing AIH and other story ideas.

Then I realized how dumb I was being and came back for a short period of time.

And then, something crazy happened early 2013.

I got in a car wreck with one of my close friends driving. And you know what happened after that?

I got in a coma and was out for 2 months. It was horrifying and I can't even describe it. I can't put it into words and I don't think I ever will be able to.

And I couldn't function once I was alive (? Is that the right way to word it?) and breathing and just living again. That accident reawakened my anxiety that I thought I had buried back in middle school when the angst was strong.

I'm so fucking anxious over everything now. I can't even drink water sometimes bc you know how you hold your breath when you start to drink water? For some reason I panic and I can't breathe and I feel breathless and wrong and gross and horrified and it's awful. And I get really anxious over endings and the sense of finality. It freaks me the fuck out. And I can't take it sometimes I've been throwing up and crying a lot these last couple months bc of it.

Sometimes I can't even watch endings of shows or movies and I can't even fucking read the ends of stories. I put off reading so many of the famous stories on here that I know are quality or I know for some reason i'll like despite the average writing (indirect at basically all the famous fanfiction on this site jfc) bc I get attached to the characters and stories and I can't let go.

I'm a fucking mess and I can't even function half the time. it sucks dick.

And with anxiety, a sense of depression usually follows. I get sad a lot and I want to kill myself a lot of the time but what's new? That seems to be everyone's problem these days bc it's oh so attractive and you know what fucking take my mental disorders and have fun with them I'm sick of feeling mental and gross.

Anyways, off tangent sorry.

I think I'll put off writing AIH for a while (take that however you want) and focus on other projects. I can't write AIH right now bc it sends me back to summer of 2012 and that's painful. I think I'll continue it sometime in the future but not right now. I'm so sorry for being a disappointment but I'm too much of a loser and idiot right now.

I'll still write some fanfiction (probably still 1D, mainly Harry bc he's easiest to write, and 5SOS, most likely all of them but Luke most of all bc I'm genuinely in love with the boy and I love him as much as I love my boyfriend Ryan, ok not that much but I love him) and i'll probably have some new works coming out soon but idk yet I need to focus on me first. and I might slowly wane off of fanfiction and stop using it as a crutch and make my own stories that I have written already and idk I'm excited.

I'm trying to be excited for life again. I'm trying to love it again and see the beauty I used to see in this world and it's people and I'm getting there.

Some days are really good and some are really bad. But, I'm really grateful for all the opportunities and the people I've met and became friends with. I could probably ask for a better group of friends and friends in general but I'm not bc I'm content.

And that's enough for me as of right now.

Thanks for sticking around.