“I don’t want you to go Kimi.” I cried.
Luukas was sleeping peacefully in his crib. Kimi stood in the foyer of his home with his bags packed. It had only been just a week since Luukas was born and it was time for the Canadian grand prix, which Kimi still intended to race in. I wrapped my robe tightly around me, my face was a mess since I had been crying all afternoon.
“I have to go Heidi. This is my job.” Kimi said, suitcase in hand.
“You can miss a race. Its not that big of a deal.” I pleaded.
“Not if I want to have a shot at the championship this year.” Kimi replied.
“Screw the championship.” I muttered.
“Heidi, you’re being ridiculous. This is my job. I have to provide a good life for you and Luukas, and to do that I have to have a job. In order to keep my job I have to race and win. Don’t you understand?” He was treating me like a child again.
“I understand just fine iceman.” I gritted my teeth. “You have plenty of money. You could provide a decent life for us whether you’re racing or not.” I said bitterly.
“Not the way I see it.” Kimi grabbed his bags and left.
As he slammed the door I collapsed onto the cold tile floor and began to cry. Does he not care about me? Does he not care about his child. I heard Luukas’ cry come from the bedroom. The slamming door must have woken him. I quickly composed myself and ran into the room to pick my newborn child up. I rocked him back and forth comfortingly and sang softly until he had calmed back down. Once he was finally settled and falling back asleep I laid him down in his crib.
I was sitting on the floor looking through wedding magazines. I had to stay focused on the positive. I have a beautiful healthy child and I will be getting married, life is good. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. All of these girls in the magazine look so happy. Once I’m married everything will get better. Kimi will be there for me. I heard my phone going off, I quickly grabbed it and answered it before it could ring again and possibly wake up the baby.
“Hello?” I whispered as I walked out of the babies room.
“Heidi.” I heard Kimi’s slurred voice on the other side of the phone.
“Kimi what’s going on?” I asked. I was now in the kitchen pouring myself a cup of coffee.
“Practice is goin’ good.” I could tell he had been drinking, a lot, and there was loud music and yelling in the background.
“Where are you?” I asked worriedly.
“Just… out… with some friends.” He said taking a great amount of effort to form each word in his drunken state,
“Kimi you need to go to bed, you have to be able to race your best. You don’t need to be out drinking.” I said trying not to sound too bossy.
“Who said I was drinking?” He said sounding more drunk than ever. “Shhhh… quiet down. I’m talking to my woman.” He yelled at whoever was in the background. I heard Luukas crying on the baby monitor that I had sitting in the kitchen. I sighed. It was like having two children.
“Look Kimi, I have to go. Luukas is crying.” I muttered.
“Don’t go.” he said, I hung up on him.
I was holding Luukas and just gazing at him. He looked so much like Kimi. It hurt not having Kimi around. I don’t think he realizes what he is missing. It’s not just me that he is making it hard on. He is missing his little boy growing up, something he won’t get back. I held Luukas as I walked around the house doing chores. Unlike my home in Italy, there were no maids or butlers only me. I was so alone in this huge house.
