Karissa

Sometimes You Just Need to Talk About Something, Y'Know....

"Did you ever feel like God loved you less because you weren't a virgin?"

"Present tense, McCutcheon," Jesse murmured, signing his name off on his AP Lang homework. "We all know I'm not a virgin, and neither are you." Was he mad? I considered backing off, but then his eyes softened.

"You know, no one's ever asked me that before...."

"Really?" Then, I could see that. No one else understood: Summer was Catholic, so she'd grown up believing that premarital sex was a mortal sin -  so had Dominic and Karissa. Rosemary was such a good girl that she wouldn't have thought of it even before she converted. It wasn't an option for Lavender because she was dating Jesse and he wouldn't, nor did she want to, and Denzel just had other things on his mind. We used to joke he had incredible self-restraint - yes, he was dating Summer, but the two of them were surprisingly (for dramatic Summer) private in their affection. I was the only person who would really, truly appreciate Jesse's feelings. Maybe that was why no one else had ever questioned it.

"I spent at least four years of my post-acceptance life feeling incredibly guilty...." He stopped the preface of his monologue to look at me, concerned.

"AJ, did something happen? I mean, you're ok, right?"

"I didn't get raped, if that's what you mean," I grumbled. "Gosh, Jesse, you really jump to conclusions sometimes." Could he help it? Not that I could see - Jesse had been paranoid for so long; he saw it in everybody else at the slightest touch of weirdness when the topic was sex. So now I had to tell him, and maybe Jesse was the best to start with. Going straight to Karissa would almost be too much. He knew what it was like to have a secret - and how to keep one - and probably best of all, wouldn't judge me...I was pretty sure, that is.

"Artie came home over break and we went out for quote, unquote, ' guys' night', but there were girls along with us...I had sex with the one and found out that my dad had planned the whole thing to mess up my relationship with Karissa. She doesn't know, though - not yet, anyway. I'm going to tell her, I really am, I swear. I feel so awful. It wasn't worth it. In fact, I'm glad that I've given it up."

Jesse just watched me with those big, solemn brown eyes. I kind of wished he would give me a hug; maybe it was what I needed, but he just shook his head gently.

"I think she'll forgive you. I mean, you'll have to work through it, like anything, but you're serious. It really means something to you, doesn't it?"

"So you don't hate me?" Oh, man - I sounded so insecure middle-school-girlish, and I blushed because of it.

"Am I really that shallow?" Jesse said with a laugh that was probably supposed to lighten the mood. However,  it just brought something else to my attention...and it wasn't funny.

"Sorry for ruining your life."

Jesse looked incredibly surprised, and his big, wide, eyes were especially comical in this setting.

"I got a little bit light-headed for a few seconds there. Seriously, that was one I never saw coming. Wow, AJ - thanks...and yes, I forgive you. I forgave you a long - well, maybe not that long; forgiveness toward people who really hurt me has never been a strength I claim to possess -  time ago. Longish, anyway. Anyway, I just realized I have places to be, as in, Fagin wants to go over something for Fiddler, even though it's not even eight o'clock in the morning yet....See you later?" He left me by myself, thinking about something I hadn't thought of since I had to explain it to Karissa that first night we saw Jesse.