❤💗 BOOK 2 💗❤Jane is still recovering from her breakup with Shannon and the tumultuous events of the last few months. These are excerpts from her journal as she goes on walkabout, trying to sort her head out.
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I boxed up most of the things I brought with me and mailed them back to my parent's house before flying out of Antwerp last night. I bought some more practical clothing and hiking supplies once I landed here in Lima, and I'll be leaving for Cusco in the morning. I'm still not sure what I'm doing – I'm figuring most of this out as I go – but I'll have a day's layover once I arrive, to get used to the altitude in the Andes, so I guess I'll have some time to figure it out then.
A sort of numbness settled into me once I got to Antwerp. It is a beautiful city but it felt so much the same as everywhere else I had been. Then I realized it was my own fault. Nice hotels with soft white sheets and room service had become my life the last few years. Moving from hotel to hotel wasn't going to break me free from whatever spell had settled over me. I needed to get out of that world. I needed to join the real one.
My phone finally stopped ringing so much yesterday but there has been a flood of text messages and e-mails. I called my mom to let her know I was all right, that I was traveling and might be unreachable but that I would call her as soon as I could. She didn't seem particularly concerned so I guess Mitch hadn't told her anything yet. I hope he doesn't worry her. I did email him and let him know that I was okay, that it wasn't about him, that I would be okay but I didn't feel ready to talk. He has left me alone since then.
Most of the calls and texts have been from Roger, but I can't bring myself tospeak to him. I feel more betrayed by him than anyone else. I agree that maybe we had grown too dependent on one another, but throwing me out into shark-infested waters to teach me to swim wasn't the best way to break that cycle. It feels like he deliberately tried to hurt me, like one of those old movies where the kids have kept a wild animal they know they shouldn't have and now they're releasing it in the woods, throwing sticks at it and telling it to shoo so it will leave instead of sticking around and loving them the way it always has. But I'm not a wild animal, I don't belong in the woods, and I don't need to have sticks thrown at me to get a message. If he wanted independence so bad then he needs to stop calling me and enjoy it. Maybe I should throw some sticks at him. Maybe I already am.
Jared keeps texting me. He's the only one I'm tempted to respond to right now. He's so concerned about what Shannon said, about me thinking he was just manipulating me somehow to get sex out of me. Which is part of the problem. I don't for a minute believe what Shannon said. I mean, what he does with other women, I have no idea, but I know what went on in that hotel room. I know it was my idea and not Jared's. I wasn't tricked into doing anything. If anyone got used it was Jared. He was just a little something to distract me from the hurt for a while. But that's all Jared is concerned about. He doesn't ask how I am really, or what I'm up to. He's just trying to make sure I don't think badly of him. In reality, the reason I am upset with him isn't that I think he used me, it's because I only asked one thing of him, that we not tell Shannon about what went on between us. One thing. He couldn't even do that, and although I know he was trying to help me, he and Shannon were already at each other's throats before I pulled out of that parking lot. It was the one thing I didn't want to happen. I knew I couldn't trust Jared either. The only person I can trust right now is myself, and even that trust is on shaky ground.
Shannon hasn't called. He hasn't texted, he hasn't emailed me, there's been nothing. Complete radio silence. I don't want to talk to him either, I would ignore him the same way I am ignoring everyone else, but I admit, part of me wants him to at least try. Hating him hurts enough. Knowing he probably hates me too right now is just an extra dagger in my heart.
I will get through this. I will find myself again. Once I do, then I will decide who gets to be in my life and who doesn't. If none of them are interested by then, so be it.
