The world in my head

24.01.2018

I lost all hope. I know it may sound like a cliché but that how I feel right now. I am 22 years old and I already feel I lived half of my life. I don't want to get old. I don't want to turn into a useless person that consumes oxygen uselessly and sucks the societies' resources. Don't get me wrong, I don't have this image when I look at older people, I have this image of myself as an older version. Back to what I was saying, I feel like my life has lost all it's purposes. I never knew what my purpose in this world was in the first place, but even if I had a hint of that, I lost it. I feel like a dead person circulating in the human world like a parasite.

I don't know where I will get with this or what I want to do with all I write, but for a few days now I had this impulse to write down what I think.

Lately my mind had been stuck in the world of my mind. Yes, I have my own world inside my head where I talk with characters of my own imagination and have long conversations about anything that pops in my head at that time. About being stuck, that's how I feel, stopped in one place, not being able to move or speak or even breath freely, I feel like I'm suffocating (I know, another cliché comparison, but I don't know how to describe it better. I'm not good with words, as you can see).

Maybe no one would read this, to be honest, I don't even care if anyone reads it or not, I just want to lay down all my thoughts because they're circling in my head without rest.

I will let my mind talk now. I know I may sound like a crazy person, but I see my mind as a person inside my person. I will call it my inner self (apparently this term is more familiar with other people).

I don't see myself as a smart and beautiful girl anymore. I used too, at one point, when I was 18 and I woke up one morning feeling the most perfect person I could be at that time. I see myself only as a pretty girl, sometimes. I still have a bit of self-confidence, but I don't feel like I can surface that. I think I'm getting more stupid day by day. The irony is that I used to despise seeing stupid characters in movies. I always thought that if I put myself in their shoes, I would do things differently. But know I start to envy sometimes stupid people, for they don't see the depths of the evil in this world and the pain and sorrow that surrounds us. I wished I was stupid enough to think that taking my life is this answer, but unfortunately, I'm not stupid enough and I know that is not a solution. I can only imagine what would happen when we cease to exist, but I don't think our soul will disappear completely. I think God exist and maybe when we die will go to heaven or hell, but since I believed that for so long, now I believe that if we take our own life we would end up in hell where our souls will suffer endlessly. So people, don't be stupid, think again, killing yourself is NOT the solution.