Lucid Dreaming

Chapter Three - A Closed Window

I woke up in Ben's bed. He wasn't lying on the floor like the night before; he wasn't in the room at all. It was only 7:24 am (Smoking always makes me wake up early).
I went down the stairs quietly, but didn't see or hear anyone. I didn't think Ben was home, but I needed to be before my parents went into my room to wake me up. So I gathered my things and left, leaving a note for Ben on his desk.
I don't live far from Ben's house, it's only about a 30 minute walk, so it didn't take long. I managed to sneak in through my window without my parents hearing me, which was a relief.
Once I got to my room and sat on my bed, I looked back out the window from which I had just come. That window is the only thing on that blank white wall. It's so barren. After a few minutes I had to look away. I was getting a strong sense of deja vu, and felt nauseous.
I opened my phone to check my Snapchat, and saw a ton of photos in my memories from last night, so I began scrolling through them. I smiled to myself at a picture of Ben with his arm around me. Then there was one of me and Kara, one of Tibo, and a lot more. Then I got to one of me and Tyra sitting by the campfire. I thought it was cute... until I saw what was in the background. Behind us, on the other side of the fire, you could see Kara sitting on Zach's lap. He was playing with her hair, and she was laughing. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I swiped to the next photo. The same setting, only taken seconds later. Now Zach was whispering something in Kara's ear. In the next photo, they were looking at each other, their faces inches apart. Zach, with his hands under her hair on the back of her neck, and her hand on his face. In the photo after that, they weren't visible. But I already knew what they were doing.
     I started to get a sinking feeling in my chest. As if all my internal organs had sunken all the way down into my stomach. My head felt heavy, and my eyes stung. I was heartbroken.
     But then again, I should have known things with Kara would never work out. I was such an idiot to think there was a chance. A fucking idiot.
     I got angry. Not at Kara or Zach, but at myself. I began crying violently, hating myself for loving Kara. Hating myself for crying. Hating myself for wallowing in my own self-pity. Hating myself for the way I cried, the way I laughed, the way I smiled, everything.
     What was I thinking? Why did I act like such an idiot around her? That's probably why she hates me. I act like that around everyone. They all hate me. They only invited me because they feel sorry for me- pity me. No one likes me. I'll never find love. I'll always just be annoying.
     My heart rate rose, and my breathing got faster and shorter. I scratched at my throat- I couldn't breath. All of my thoughts surrounded me like a cloud, endlessly pressing down on me. The walls were closing in, suffocating me. I scraped at my neck, at my wrists, my face. I couldn't breath. It was all too much. And then I took the hardcover book that was sitting on my desk, held it out, and brought it around-hard-on the side of my face. The shock stunned me. I fell through the floor, all the way around until I was sitting back on my bed. Or at least that's what it felt like. My face felt nothing, just tingled a bit...for the first few seconds. Then it began to hurt. A lot. So bad it would have hurt me emenseley to even open my mouth or smile.   But I didn't do anything about it. I didn't even look in a mirror. The pain numbed me- brought me back to reality, and stopped the overwhelming panic attack of emotion. But now I felt nothing. I just sat there staring at that barren white wall with the one open window, a single tear running down my I injured cheek. I felt empty.
     A breeze outside the window rustled the leaves of a near by tree. It was pleasant. Almost hopeful, as I stared blankly out the open window, listening to the jingle of the leaves. And then the breeze turned to a strong wind.
     And then the wind slammed the window shut. Cutting me off from the world.

Thank you for still reading guys! Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I'm really excited about all the characters and the plot line, I hope you guys are enjoying it too!
Also another note:
     All of the feelings I've written about in this story (like during her panic attack) are feelings that I've felt, and experienced, so I take them really seriously. Things will get better for Jupiter, and they will get better for you too. :)
I'll put trigger warnings on all of the chapters involving anxiety/depressive episodes, or anything like that.