Begin The End?

Beginning The End

I feel done. Im tired. Im feel like any moment I might fall and no one would care. They would just all walk past me like nothing. Im nothing...I look at myself in the mirror everyday and I see a waste of skin. I cant stand the all the friends who only care about my fame, the family who want my money, the constant abuse from ex's, the fucking old drummer sending me hate mail everyday, the usual people spitting on me down the street when I wear my make-up, my son Cody seeing me have a mental break down...he's scared of me...Im the fucking worst dad ever. I stare into the lake and wonder if I jump in what might happen. Would people try to help even if I don't want them to? Would someone video and not give a shit? Would a child laugh at me not knowing what was happening?
I tear slides down my cheek, then another, then another. Im now crying like a wimp.
"Fuck." I choke out.
My sobs are loud. You can tell Im struggling to speak. I cover my mouth with the back of my hand but it does nothing. I begin to cause tension making eyes fall on me. Mothers are staring at me with anger and disgust as they move there children futher away from me, old men shake there head and tut while old woman look at me with confusion. It makes sence. I am random man who has burst out crying from nowhere. Im choke out more sobs, my throat raw in pain. I should drown...I should kill myself, end my life, stop the pain, stop the tears. The thoughts are cut off by an arm wrapping me up and a soft voice soothing me down. I reconize it.
"Hey," The blonde soothes me by kissing my cheek and wrapping me up warm with his arms. He pushes some strands of hair away from my face with his index finger and holds me like a baby. "Dont do it, Brian."
I tuck my face into his neck and breath in the scent of his aftershave without meaning to. I sob into his jacket and grab his arm. "Nobody cares Steve!" I cry.
"I care." Steve strokes my hair. "Stefan cares, Fiona cares, Cody care-"
"Cody is scared of me." I say through clenched teeth trying not to be to loud. "Im an awful parent." I let him wipe away my tears but theres no point since more run down my cheek. "He cant look at me without asking me not to hurt him. Im an awful fucking dad."
"Brian, Cody as you know is very young. He doesn't understand what had happend. He is going to be scared but not for long. You never hurt him anyway."
"Im still a shitty father."
"The fuck you are," steve moves his face so were facing eachother. "I have saw you fight for that kid. You have starved yourself when Helena has spent money on drugs and you had to feed Cody, I have saw you walk through broken glass in bare feet when he fell through the glass table cause Helena left a razor on the floor and Cody stepped on it making him fall through the table, I have watched you fight away the drugs you have been on for 23 years just so it wouldn't affect him, you have broke your arm for him, been bruised for him and now you are fighting for custidy over him. You are an amazing father."
I stare back at him not knowing what to do. The tears a slowing down but Im still crying. Steve strokes my cheek with his thump then pulls me in for a soft kiss on the lips. I feel myself relax and kiss back while I take hold of his collar. This feels so right. His lips are so warm and soft, he tastes like stale ciggerets and then something sweet like honey. I've kissed these lips many times before but I will never get tired of feeling them. I love Steve more than anything...I cant think of how he might feel if I might end my life. Thats what stops me. I wouldn't get to feel his arms around me, I wouldn't get to tell him how beautiful or how sexy he looks then see his face light up with a smile, I wouldn't get to see his beautiful face whenever I wake up, I wouldn't get to feel him slide into me and set my sweat on fire as he whispers sweet words to me, I wouldn't get to sit on the couch and watch the telly with him or laugh while he teaches me how to cook, I would miss as he wraps his arms around me whilst Im in the shower. All these things reminds me that life is worth living. Steve brakes the kiss and hugs me tighter.
"I love you." The words slip out my mouth. I mean them.
Steve is silent for a moment till I hear his voice again "I love you to, Angel." Steve smiles with eyes full of care.
I frown slightly and glare at Steve.
"Who the fuck is Angel?" I try and keep a straight face but its to hard and I break into a smile.
Steve laughs and kisses my head. "You fucking asshole."
I grin and snuggle closer to him. We sit in slince to stare at the lake. I can smell the cold air...Its soothing.
"You've stopped crying." Steve says.
I dont respond. I just listen to his heartbeat on his chest as I snuggle closer to him and think of how greatful I am to have my loved ones.
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