i worship will roland

the time i met dodie and evan at disneyland

i'm standing in line for the matterhorn bobsleds at disneyland. my mom stands across from me, flicking through pictures on her phone, and my sister stands between us, staring at the artificial mountain and leaning slightly against my mom. i'm rolling a new pin around in my hand - a silvery gray puppy from lady and the tramp with a gold outline. i pull the rubber backing off and push it back on, again and again and again, bored.

i'm shaken out of my daze as the line ahead of me starts to shift, and i follow suit as i see a couple of people sidling past toward the end of the fast pass line. as i lean back against the railing, i notice that the blond man in front wearing mickey ears and a pastel sweatshirt looks strikingly like evan edinger, one of my favorite youtubers. before i have time to process this, however, the man passes and the woman behind him enters my line of vision, and her dark hair and pale skin distinctly characterize her as dodie, possibly my all-time favorite music artist (as well as another one of my favorite youtubers). she shuffles past as well, and for a spilt second i feel my heart stop and my brain stop and everything stop- and then i'm turning to my mom, saying "mom. oh my god. mom. oh my god mom ohmy," and she perks up at my urgency.

"what?" she asks, and just as she's uttering the last letter i start again, and my brain feels like it's on fire.

"that was dodie. that was DODIE and EVAN oh my GOD." my heart feels like it's constricting, but in a good way, i think. my sister whirls around, eyes wide.

"oh my gosh, natalie! go say hi!" my mom gasps, smiling. she's just bought me a beanie, pin, and book by dodie two weeks ago for christmas, and is eager to renew my interest in this english girl that i talk so much about.

"go say hi," my sister parrots, ducking out of line and looking back at me, bouncing on her toes and waiting for me. "i'll take your picture, come on!!"

"i- i don't want to bug them," i get out, guilt already seeping into my voice because i know, i know my mom and sister will make me push past my anxiety and go, and i'm secretly happy about it.

"go!" my mom reinforces, pushing me lightly toward my sister, grabbing the pin and bag from my hand as she does so.

"o- okay," i stutter, my heart beating fast as my sister all but shoves me down the path. we reach the end of the line, where dodie and evan are, and i stare at them for a moment without them noticing.

"go!" mandy says, and i swallow my nervousness (which is in no way as high as it should be, my excitement has overridden my usually nervous brain) and tap dodie lightly on the shoulder when i think i can't hear either of them talking.

"um, excuse me? i'm sorry, i don't mean to interrupt-"

"but you're interrupting," evan adds, with a good-natured smile on his face. i laugh, and it sounds like i can't get enough air into my lungs, but i try to ignore it, immediately continuing.

"yes, sorry, i just- you guys are like, my favorite youtubers, and i was wondering if i could get a picture with you?" i say, much too fast. but they understand, fortunately.

"of course," dodie says kindly, and i breathe a sigh of relief. i turn to my sister, almost knocking my phone out of her hands with my own shaking ones, and i steady her, laughing embarrassedly, stuttering a quiet "oops. that would have been bad." i turn back to the two of them, unsure of where to go, and step to their right, next to dodie. she takes a step toward me, offering the space between her and evan to me.

"do you want to stand in the middle?"

"yes, that would be great, thank you," i say, laughing lightly again out of nervous excitement. as i navigate between them, i say to my feet something along the lines of: "wow, disneyland and meeting you guys, what a great day," and dodie "aww"s in return. i look up with a wide smile as my sister snaps a picture. then, i pull my tembling arms back, and grin at the two of them, and i can feel the excitement radiating off of me like heat from a flame.