The Roses We Buried

Thoughts Of The Drunken

***

I pour down the first drink and her face flashes before my eyes. I order a new drink and pour it down as well. They all go down fast and I don't think about it. I don't think about the music, the people around me, nor the drink in my hand. Everything blurs past and in the end there is only one thought left. One single person in my lonely brain.

I drink to forget. I drink to drown my heart in alcohol. It doesn't work.

No matter how many more glasses I add to my collection, every time I close my eyes I still see her in front of me.

We had a fight. She screamed. I screamed at her. She cried.

Her eyes haunt me. Even now.

I love her but that's not what matters. What matters is that I know she's going to leave me. I saw it in her frail posture, hugging herself. I hurt her this time and as much as I want to I can't change that.

Down goes the next drink. The alcohol helps. At least a little.

I can't even remember what the argument was about. It seems so stupid now. So unneeded.

As much as I try I can't remember the argument. There is only screaming and crying. Only sounds repeating themselves in my head.

She's going to leave me. If not tomorrow than sometime else. Does anything really matter if the outcome is the same?

She would move on and I would be left behind, broken and alone.

The next drink doesn't come fast enough and I let the burning liquid run down my throat.

Someone sits next to me. It takes me some time to realise who he is. It takes him a few attempts to get me to recognise him. It's my buddy, Colin. Or atleast I think it is.

I probably drank too much.
Not like I care.

"You're drunk", Colin observes as the song changes. It was a long song. The one that played before. Longer than normal songs. So, so long.

I order another drink.

"You should stop drinking", Colin tries again but I ignore him.

My head feels drowsy and I think about how birds mate. It's a weird thing, bird-mating that is.

I don't really know what he's talking about. I don't really want to know and so I keep drinking.

It seems like ten minutes and an infinity that we sit there. And I drink and I drink to the same song that doesn't seem to end. At one point Colin takes my glass and holds it out of my reach.

I try to grab it and almost fall off my chair. It's a weird day.

As I look at Colin I realise how dark his skin is. So weird. So weird. Why would his skin be so different to mine when we are so similar people?

I try to tell him how much I appreciate our friendship. He doesn't seem to understand me. Maybe he suddenly forgot everything he knew about English. Maybe he had never understood me before, either. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe everything around us is an illusion created by a big, big gorilla up in the sky. He's probably guiding us like puppets. Yes. Yes that had to be it.The gorilla up there is the cause of all my problems.

"You're babbling", Colin tells me now. "And I don't think that God's a gorilla."

Did I talk out loud? I don't know anymore. I don't know if I know anything. My head is a single void, filled with one person and one person only.

I miss her. I miss her so much and my heart hurts. So much I want to rip it out of my chest.

I try to grab inside of me and get it out. Make the pain stop.