The Darker Side

Um I don't really know how to jump into this but I'll just start by saying when I lived in Ohio I honestly wanted to die and I did try to on a couple occasions obviously those attempts didn't work but I still get dreams about those nights and how I cut my self open and woke up in a hospital and that is probably one of the saddest parts of my life, not staying alive but having to explain to my family about why I wanted to die and I got to have the lecture on how my life is apparently so great and I have no reason to want to die even though all of the people that tried to say that to me are somewhat responsible for me wanting to die and most of the people at my school, I somewhat blame the kids and teachers at my old school mainly because I used to be the weak little kid that always got picked on but the thing that was really painful was that the teachers just sat there and watched because it was apparently "kids playing" but then I met this little fuckin dickhead by the name of Daniel and I thought me and him were good friends but then a few months into our "friendship" he went to the big kids of the school and told them some really personal shit which just made the bulling worse and that is also the reason for my other attempt in the 7th grade but I'll talk about that later but even the school administration said that it was just kids playing and that I needed to learn how to not listen to what the other kids say to me but that's how my brain worked at the time so I took everything that they said to heart and it really fucking hurt. Then I moved to Louisville and that was a fucking shit show from the start because of being the new white kid in a mostly black school I was also picked on there too but about 2 months into the school year I had to lie and tell everyone that I was "Sick" for a week and a half when I tried to kill myself again but that's when mostly everything stopped until the last week of 8th grade and when I missed the last week of school and "moved" to Tennessee, it was more like my family moved me so that I wouldn't be around the same people that I tried to kill my self for. Also the "reason" that every therapist gives me for my depression is that I'm like this because of my moms abuse from my father (I don't like to call him my dad bc he hasn't earned that title back yet) and all that fuckin shit happened when I was a child and the only thing that I can remember from when all that happened was that I pulled paint chips out of my mothers hair with my sister after my father slammed my moms head threw a kitchen wall so I don't really get how that event from when I was maybe 2 could cause depression over ten years later.