"Untitled Document"

The Girl That Was Never Yours

A Letter That Will Never Be Sent

I'm not good at writing. I'm not good with feelings. I'm not good with commitment. I'm not good at saying no. All of these things kinda fuck me up.

A lot of dumb shit has happened in my life, albeit, most of it my fault, but nonetheless, pretty shitty.

Most of the time when everything is fucked you can trace it all back to that one fucked idea or choice you made.

Loving you was one of the big ones.

We thought we were so cool.

I was 11 so everything you did was cool to me and I wanted to be cool so I did it too.

They called us Romeo and Juliet because your name was Romeo.

At first it was a joke but it kinda progressed into actually coming sorta true.

This story is not a short one nor a happy one so be prepared because a lot of shitty fucked up things happen.

It was the summer.

I was 11.

You were 16.

I was young and dumb.

You thought you were hot shit.

(you're not)

It started out sweet and innocent.

You picked daisies from the empty field next to our complex and brought them to me.

I can never look at daisies the same now.

Our big group of friends would all hang out together to play everyday.

I was the youngest one.

I liked the attention i got from you and the other boys.

No one had looked at me like you guys did.

It's because no one were monsters like you guys were.

You asked me out.

Of course i said yes.

I was 11 and you gave me attention.

I was giddy with delight.

We went swimming.

It was fun at first.

You would try and push me into the pool.

Shaun had to help you.

He "helped" you do so much more than that.

It started to get less fun.

You guys would try and grab my butt and my chest.

At first i played along cuz i thought that that would be the cool thing to do.

I liked you and i didn't want to mess that up by telling you guys to stop.

So i didn't.

I never did actually say no.

Not even years later when the same kind of shit kept happening.

But that's a later part of this shit-show story.

We thought we were so cool.

(we weren't)

We thought we were "in love".

(we weren't)

I thought you cared about me.