Cherry Wine {lex luthor}

chapter thirty six

"Do you know where you are?" Someone asked above me. "Do you remember anything?"

I lay back down and shut my eyes, ignoring them. Waves of dark crashed over me, and I allowed them to pull me away. I did not want to be alive.

***

The faint beeping of a heart monitor finally woke me. I lay for a while, my eyes closed, just listening. It was quiet, save for the whir of the machines, and the gentle, steady breathing of someone sleeping. The last vestiges of my dream swam around me; the warmth of safety, a fire crackling in the background. I couldn't pull it into focus, but I basked in it all the same.

There was a blue blanket tucked around me, an iv in my arm, and velcro straps holding my wrists to the bars of the bed. I tugged on them, making the bed rattle a little.

"You're awake. Oh my god, you're awake."

I jumped as a voice shattered the calm of the room, and shut my eyes tightly again. A warm hand enveloped mine, squeezing it. I felt a tear leak down my cheek, and then a thumb swiping it away.

"Ruth." Lex coaxed me. "Please, open your eyes."

I did, because I knew I would cry if I didn't. Lex was looking down at me, and to my surprise, I saw tears shining in his eyes, too. Guilt smashed into my chest like a bus.

"I thought I'd lost you." Lex said, his thumb stroking my cheek again. I jerked my head away, averted my gaze.

"Don't." My voice came out strangled. "Please."

He took his hand from my cheek, and let out a breath. My throat felt raw, but I kept the tears at bay. I could not hurt him any more than I already had. Silence bloomed, sharp-edged and deadly.

"I was so afraid." Lex whispered. "So afraid, Ruth. Afraid that you would die before the helicopter arrived, before the paramedics could help you. Afraid that you would die in my arms. Afraid that they would never let me see you again. Afraid that you would hate me for saving you."

He sounded so broken. I let out a choked sob, but I didn't turn back to face him. Bitter tears were soaking my hair, trailing down by my ears to wet the pillow.

"You're the only thing that matters to me anymore. Before I-before you came into my life, I had nothing, I felt nothing. I can't lose you." Something warm dripped onto my hand. I looked up in surprise. Lex was crying, his head bowed.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, my mouth cottony. "I'm so sorry."

I wanted to hug him, but I couldn't move, not with my arms tied down. The guilt billowed inside of me as Lex looked at me, his face wet.

"I don't what I would do without you." He said, his voice thick. "I really thought I'd lost you, when I saw you on the floor like that-and then you wouldn't wake up."

"How long have I been out?" I looked at the clock on the wall, as though that would tell me the date.

"Four days."

A fresh surge of tears overcame me, hysteria rising in my chest.

"Can you untie me?" I asked, my voice small. Lex looked at my restraints, and hesitated. "I won't do anything stupid." I promised.

His fingers shook as he tugged the velcro apart. I caught a glimpse of the nearly-healed cut across the palm of his hand, shuddering as I remembered that horrible night.

The second I was free, I flung my arms around his neck, careful not to hit him with my cast. I buried my face into his shoulder, letting myself sob freely. We stayed that way until I was all cried out. Lex lowered me back to my bed, tucked the blue knit blanket around my waist.

"Can you at least tell me why?" He stroked my hair away from my forehead. I shook my head, shutting my eyes. "Ruth, you talked in your sleep."

I froze.

"You're not a liability." Lex pulled away, looking me in the eyes. "You're not a burden. You are not broken, and you do not weigh me down."

"I-"

He cut me off.

"No, Ruth. You're not. Bottom line. I can't have you thinking like that. Whatever I have done for you, you have repaid me a hundred times over."

I wanted to protest, to tell him that yes, I was, I was, I was, but the look in his eyes left no room for argument.

"Okay." I conceded.

"Okay." he said. "Give me your hand." He held out his hand, and opened the velcro cuff. I frowned, tucking my hand close to my chest.

"No." I said. "I won't do anything, please,"

Lex grimaced, and took my wrist lightly. I didn't pull away, and allowed him to lock them, one after another, back to the rails.

"I wish I could believe you, my love, but for now, this is the way it's going to be. I love you too much to risk losing you again."

Suicide Prevention hotline: 18002738255

A/N: i cried writing this :(((
if you're ever in crisis i am always here to chat or you can call the number above.