i had trouble writing this chapter because it's hard to put what i wanted to say into words without it seemingly like i was begging for pity or forgiveness which i don't want. in fact, i thought about not making this chapter at all, deleting this account, and running away like always but you guys deserve an explanation/apology.
i'm not the person y'all thought i was, and i don't just mean my name and how i looked. my personality is much different as well, at least i think it is. as much as i hate to admit this, i'm not the cool guy who has his shit together and that everyone likes. i'm shy, insecure, and mostly, i hide behind other people when things get tough. of course, i'm not gonna do that anymore which is why i'm making this chapter and not running away.
i fucked up big time and i understand that. i should've been honest with everyone from the beginning about who i really was but i wasn't. and i can't change that, sadly, but i can change the future and how i act. so from now i plan to be honest and be myself.
i'm truly sorry to all of those that had been hurt and/or affected by everything i said or did. so especially to alyssa, gen, pao, jungkook, yong, karys, em, ren, carolyn and pretty much everyone else.. im sorry. i never meant to decieve yall like that in anyway. all of the jokes and things i said were genuine. i truly appreciated our friendships and all of the happy moments and being able to be friends with you guys. i know you don't want anything to do with me and probably dont want to hear this and probably already have me blocked but i really did consider our friendships dear to me. if you havent blocked me yet and are reading this, i love you guys and even after everything, i still do. im really sorry for everything.
im sorry for lying about what i look like, my name, and pretty much who i was in general to you guys. it's not fair that i did that and so much more to yall.
ren, im sorry for all the times i wasnt there for you when i should've been and for not seeing how good you've been to me.
pao, i'm sorry for not taking your side even when you did nothing wrong and for assuming the worst when all youve done is be nice to everyone.
gen, im sorry for jumping to conclussions and assuming things about you that i shouldn't have because of my own past experiences.
karys, im sorry for under appreciating just how amazing you are since youve always been there for me.
yong, im sorry for every lie i said to you and making you feel bad about something that wasnt in your control.
alyssa, im sorry for always trying to drag you into any of my useless drama and for being too corwadice to step up to my own mistakes.
em, im sorry for taking advantage of your kindness and leading you on when i shouldnt have.
carolyn, im sorry for not being truthful and for not being the friend you needed me to be. i'm worse than mari.
and lastly, jungkook, im so sorry for decieving you for so long. all my feelings were genuine and i wasnt lying about them but i know i hurt you because of what i did and im sorry for it. im sorry for everything and for ruining our friendship like this.
so like i said before, im not asking for your pity or forgiveness because that would be selfish of me to ask of you, but i just wanted you all to know that i apologize.
i dont want to be the coward anymore who has to hide behind a fake face and his friends so i decided not to log off and run away like i was planning on doing. instead i thought i'd accept and move past my mistakes and start over with the new year, but as my real self this time. so that being said, i'd like to reintroduce myself.
hi, my real name's matthew, nice to meet you guys.
