As Long As You Love Me

7

The rest of the tour was overseeable. Nothing spectacular happened except for Justin and Lance nagging at each other once at a time. But all in all the situation got better, even though both of them didn't become friends. Actually they never were, but in front of the camera they could play as they were. That changed after the tour and I felt guilty to be honest.
After the tour the same old routine began. Justin kissed Britney in front of the cam and I felt miserable. But this time I didn't tell anyone. It was my choice and I had to live with that.
Let's skip my self-pity. I got a complete new hairstyle just as Justin did. Actually I wanted to cut my hair, when they got too long, but Justin convinced me he would love it. Yeah... and there were the frosted tips. Every time I touched upon that topic Justin insisted that he loved that hairstyle. I could never believe him. It looked so horrible, but somehow I liked it back then. Why soever.
At this point of time we all had our own house. Even though we almost spend our time together in one of each-others houses. When we got back from the stylist (we went back to our house actually) Joey and Chris laughed at me, while Lance hissed they should shut their mouths and complimented me. I thanked him, while Justin wrapped his arm around my hips and kissed my cheek demonstratively. Just as he wanted to tell Lance to keep himself away from me.
With easier pressure Justin pulled me to our bedroom.
"What are you up to, Baldy? You have visitors. Fuck JC later!"
I totally blushed, when Chris screamed that so loudly, that we could hear the echo.
"No one forces you to stay. I have to inaugurate our new, fresh hair." Justin answered with a cocky smile on his face.
"Which hair, Mr. Clean?!" Chris teased him, while Joey joined in his laugh.
Justin ignored him and pulled me into our bedroom instead. He closed the door after us and locked it, before he turned around to look at me. Seriously, Justin always seemed attractive to me, but he looks so sexy with his cut hair. And that was the first time I saw it. Ok, almost the first time, I saw it already at the hairdresser. But back then Justin didn't try to seduce me. In this moment he got me, before he even had to do something. I directly rushed up to him and kissed him aroused. This time he was the surprised one, because mostly he had to convince me, when he let our friends stay at the living room. I normally would've said that this behavior was rude. And it was. But... I mean... you can google it! Nobody can tell me that he doesn't look hot! Everyone attracted to men would fall for him... Don't judge me!
Back to topic I ripped off his clothes faster than he could do something and whispered seductively: "Do me."
"Since when are you so dirty?" he asked, while he pushed me to our bed to nudge me on it.
"It's just... Your hair..."
"You like it?" he asked grinning. I nodded and felt my blood rushing down. My boyfriend stood nude in front of me and looked sexy as hell.
"I like yours, too. You look so hot, Baby." Actually that surprised me. I didn't hear a lot of compliments from him before. Even though I still cannot believe he liked the blond highlights. I looked like a hedgehog.
We loved each other. Two times in a row. I felt beloved in this moment and it contributed to build up my self-confidence. Yeah, I didn't mention it yet, did I? When other people had to evaluate my skills, they always praised me high. I didn't share their opinion. Not all the time. I knew about my music skills in general. At least at that time. But I didn't like my appearance at all. I mean not that I thought I was ugly or something. It was just... When the scale displayed one or two pounds than usual, I felt thick and unsexy. When I detected any folds I felt like I was 20 years older then I actually was. And don't ask me how I reacted, when I detected my first gray hair. My world ended figuratively. So you can figure out that compliments from my boyfriend meant a lot to me, when he didn't address those often to me.
But with the time Justin got cockier at the same time. He was sweet, when he had to. When he wanted something from me, he was the most handsome person of the world. But when I needed help for example with a song, he was busier playing video games. It were times like that or his appearance with Britney in public that made me write the song Selfish. This song is about wanting to get loved and that if it's selfish to think of oneself than you admit that you actually are.
But as I said Justin was only sweet, when he needed my help or he wanted some love. Especially the dirty side of love. Once, when he wanted me to cook, I was a little annoyed, because I was in the most creative phase of writing Selfish. And I told him, but I doubt that he paid attention when I told him. To get my quiet, I locked myself up into my room so nothing got lost, what I had in mind.
When I came out Justin began to sing. "I've been sitting here, can't get you out my mind. I try my best to be a man and be strong. I drove myself insane wishing I could touch your face. But the truth remains your gone."
I had to smile and finally did, what Justin wanted me to do. And there were a few of those moments. Justin didn't always wrote a song for me, but I got two other songs. Then he bought me my favorite flowers, complimented me and my talent or finally helped me out, even though it took him sometimes more than two weeks to do so.
I really loved him and so I ignored it. I just took what I got. There were times, when I thought his behavior is normal. But all in all I lied to myself. It wasn't ok that he looked for girls on the street. It wasn't ok that he flirted with almost every girl, no matter if we were in public or not and it wasn't ok that I was to great paints to keep our relationship intact, while Justin was more interested in video games.
Normally I would have talked to Lance to get a little support, but after the 'No Strings Attached Tour'-fight, I didn't want to rub salt into the old wound. It began to bother me that I supported Justin in everything he did and never got same effort back from him.
I even supported him, when he told the others, he wanted to start a solo career. I stood next to him back him up. Ok, he was thankful and showed me by going out with me to catch something to eat. We did even manage to end up in bed without having sex. So I don't reproach that to him.
So that was kind of, when *NSYNC ended and I was fine with that. We all knew these era wouldn't last forever. And so I also decided to make my own music. But I didn't want Justin to get distracted, so I kept my ideas for me and started writing songs. That has nothing to do with the story between Justin and me right now, but I will come back to that later.
Justin knew he needed attention, when he wanted to bring out a solo album. And when Britney talked to both of us, his time had come. She actually wanted the official breakup. Even though she loved to help us out so we could be together in secret, she said she felt in love with someone. Surely she had the right to live her own life. But Justin saw in that situation the same he did in everything. An opportunity to take advantage for his own benefit. When she told us he acted like he would totally understand her situation, but after two weeks, he managed to make a big deal out of their breakup. Suddenly the news thought Britney had cheated on Justin. Unfortunately Britney is not only the most handsome person in the world but also too nice for it. Even though Justin put the poor thing in a bad mood, she kept her secret about us. I never forgot that. And never will.
But let's tell the story in the correct order. As I already mentioned, Justin wasn't handsome all the time. And at this point he needed inspiration for a new song, while I dressed up. We wanted to get something to eat and afterwards visit a musical I wanted to see. It was Grease and yeah, I've already seen that, but I wanted to see the replacement and see, if it's gotten better or not.
Justin seemed to be in a little crisis, because he still needed what he called a "Number one hit". A song that could thrill the people. You see now it was the other way around. Do you think he had sympathy for me? That he reflected his own behavior the past days and says: 'It's fine. I didn't help JC either.'. Good joke. He was mad, because I didn't think hard enough.
"Justin, you want to write a song on your own. How should I help you then?"
"How about inspiring me?!" he answered annoyed and rolled his eyes.
"Again: How should I help you?"
"How about stop asking annoying questions?!" he yelled at me.
I just shook my head. "You know what? Calm down a little and think about your song. I go out without you."
Justin watched me skeptically. "You have two tickets for the musical. Do you want to waste the money you spend on it?"
"No, I'm going with a friend."
Suddenly Justin got sensitive. "Who?" He asked gloomy.
"Does that really matter? You need time for your song and I want to have some fun. I need that once at a time, ok? Just be glad I don't make a scene."
"It's Lance isn't it?"
I sighed. "As I said..."
"Is it Lance or is he not?!" he growled.
"Fine. If you really wish to know, yes, I'm going with Lance to this musical. We are friends and we didn't do anything privately for a long time."
"Since when did you plan to dump me?"
"First, I'm not dumping you, I just give you the time you need for your album. Second, I called him five minutes ago, when you already yelled at me that I'm the worst muse in the world. Third, I think a little bit of distance would do us good."
"Sure go out with Lance and let him fuck you. I don't care!"
I shook my head. "You should think about the way you talk to me, Justin. Your jealousy is spurious and you know that."
"It's not that I wouldn't trust you, because I do. It's Lance I don't trust an inch."
"Write your song. I will go out with Lance and when you finished your work, we can do something together. And stop being jealous for no reason. Even if Lance wanted to date me, you should trust me being faithful to you." I grabbed my jacket and left the house. Justin yelled a broad range of insults against Lance and me. Some of them I couldn't clearly figure out, who he meant by them, but I just ignored it. Or at least I acted like I would do so Justin didn't see how much he hurt me with his behavior.
I got into my car and started the motor immediately. I fasten my seatbelt, while I drove out of the gateway. I just needed to get away from Justin as fast as I could. On my way to Lance my tears ran finally over my face. Now I was able to cry. Justin couldn't see me. And I felt kind of free right now. I was sad and relieved at the same time.
When I arrived at Lance house I looked like a picture of misery. Unfortunately Lance saw my car driving in his gateway or else I could have been sitting in my car to calm myself a little. Lance came out to greet me, when I wiped my tears quickly away. Lance knocked at the driver's door and looked worried at me. I opened the door and get out of my car. Directly Lance pulled me into a hug. "What happened?" he asked sympathetic and stroke my bag.
"Maybe we should go inside." I whispered tear-stained. He nodded and went quickly inside with me.
Lance brought me a cup of my favorite tea and gave it to me. He sat down next to me and stroke my back quietly.
"Thank you." I whispered and nipped on the Earl Grey tea Lance made me.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I kept starring at my teacup instead of facing him. But I nodded slightly. "Please don't judge me." That's the sentence I started with to tell him.
He kept silence, so I could start telling, when I felt comfortable with it. "Justin and I had a fight." It was hard for me to say these words. I thought Lance would start getting angry and insult Justin with every single insult he could think about. But he stayed calm. It was surprising and facilitating. I couldn't express in this moment how thankful I was. Even though Justin didn't treat him right all the time and I didn't defend him as well, he still listened to me just as a true friend. I laid my head on his shoulder, before I told him everything that bothered me. Justin's weird and somehow new behavior against me, that we most of our time contended and that Justin seemed to lose his respect for me.
Lance listened until I got quiet again. I've lost many tears during my explanation, which I finally wiped off.
Lance gave me a tissue for that. "Don't you want to hear my opinion on that whole situation?" he asked calmly without any judgment in his voice.
I slightly nodded and looked finally into the green eyes of my best friend.
"Josh, you deserve so much better than that. You need someone, who treats you better. In other words you should leave Justin. I know how much you love him, but can't you see how this relationship is ruining you? I can't even remember the last time you laughed honestly."
I wanted to disagree, because when we all five were together I actually laughed a lot.
"I mean laughing without being scared that we might realize how strained you are. Did you really think you could hide that from me? Sorry Josh, but you are a horrible actor."
I sighed. "I don't try to hide it in front of you, because I know that it's useless to try. I hide it in front of Justin."
"it's always about him, isn't it? You don't care how miserable you are actually feeling as long as Justin feels fine." He shook his head. "You know I gave up to wake you up a long time ago. I was hoping that you will see yourself how this relationship is destroying you. That's actually the last try from me. Don't be with Justin even though you love him. If he really loved you, he would've figured out a long time ago that you're unhappy. But let me guess, he just think about himself."
I didn't say anything. I didn't have to. My silence was answer enough for Lance.
"Remember the day, when Justin punched me and I told you, you were next? He did it mentally. And mentally he has beaten you up that you almost aren't able to walk alone. You are addicted to him and not in a good way at all."
"But I would be alone then. No one wants me anyways. What could a person like me..."
"That's not you, who is talking! Where is the confident JC I got to learn a few years ago?!" Lance finally got mad and screamed. Not at me, but I guess somehow he had to vent his anger.
"But..."
"You still have me..." He said in a gentle voice that made me wonder. His hand was stroking my face softly and turned it back to him. Slowly his face came closer until he gave me an innocent, little kiss. "I am always there for you." He whispered and hugged me.
"Lance?" I whispered while I buried my head in his neck.
"Yes?"
"Can I stay overnight?"
"Sure."
We went to the musical and with the thought in mind not going home this day I actually felt relieved. I still loved Justin, but somehow it made me happy not seeing him for the rest of the night. I had a lot of fun watching the musical and Lance asked me out for dinner. It was nice to do something with my friend again. We got us Chinese food and took it with us. Lance walked with me into a park and we ate our food outside under the starlit sky. It was romantic and I guess I enjoyed feeling desired again.
That all sounds like Justin would be the biggest ass hole in the world. I mean he is, but he didn't turned to one at this point. I guess we just spent too much time together. And our quirks were just annoying us. Or maybe I still try to tell me this, be a useful later in time this excuse didn't work at all.
Back to topic I didn't tell Justin a single word. Why should I? As Lance pointed out he is just interested in himself: But the truth remains you're gone. Gone is the guy I used to fall in love with. Gone the cute, shy boy, who admired me like an older brother. Gone the thousand exploding butterflies in my stomach. Maybe Lance was right. I didn't have feelings for Lance and wasn't interested in him as my boyfriend at all. But this "date" opened my eyes in relation to Justin and me. This date is the perfect example how a relationship should be.
When we both arrived at Lance home, I smiled slightly at the blond guy in front of me, which had an admiring expression in his face. Somehow I didn't feel uncomfortable. Maybe because it was my best friend. And maybe I could feel him. Justin was my best friend either, before he asked me out.
"That was a nice evening. I guess I really needed that." I admitted slightly blushing.
"It's fine. You would've done the same for me."
I nodded. "Even though, thank you. I really enjoyed myself. And thank you for having me overnight."
"Make yourself a home." Lance opened the front door and indicated to enter the house. But I stayed outside without moving a finger. Confused Lance raised an eyebrow.
"Was this a date?" I asked right away nervously and looked down at the floor. As I mentioned before I didn't feel uncomfortable. I was just afraid to hurt him. Even if I broke up with Justin the next day, I wouldn't want to engulf in the next relationship.
"No. Even if I can't deny that I feel attracted to you, I would never want to bring you in such an awkward situation."
"I appreciate that."
So I slept in Lance guest bed and actually it was pretty comfortable. I had a good sleep. The next day I ate breakfast with Lance in the kitchen, when the doorbell rang. Somebody seemed to abuse it, because the sound repeated so often until Lance stood up annoyed and opened the door. "What?!" he asked a little irritable, when somebody passed him and entered the house without saying anything.
"Where is he?!" Immediately I recognized Justin's voice. I wondered what he actually did here. He didn't seem to care at all about me.
"You mean JC?" Lance asked calmly, but Justin didn't share his serenity. "No, Santa Clause. Surely I mean JC. He didn't come home yesterday."
"Maybe he just realized that you are not good for him. You should think about."
Suddenly I heard how something broke on the floor and a dull sound came from the hall. "Don't mess up with me, Bass. JC didn't answer my calls since he was going to meet you. I'm worried that something might have happened to him. Or maybe you sick Bastard just locked him in the basement, so he can be your sex slave or something. I don't know what's going on in your crazy brain."
"Don't you think you are overreacting?" Lance coughed. Justin had pushed him against the wall roughly. I saw that, when I entered the hall silently.
"I said: Don't mess up with me!"
Justin let him go. I'm fine and Lance didn't do anything." I finally began to speak and got immediately the attention of both guys.
Justin let go off Lance and came straight towards me to pull me into a hug. "I was so worried about you. Don't do this again to me. At least tell me you won't come home the night." He whispered. I couldn't believe it. He was worried about me? You can't tell how happy I was that he began to search for me. I wrapped my arm around Justin hips and laid my head on his shoulders, burying my face in his neck. "I'm sorry." I whispered.
"And I'm sorry for the things I said yesterday. You are the best muse I could ever have. I love you and I don't want to lose you. How about we go home?" he asked and pushed me gently from him so I could look into his eyes.
I just nodded.
I heard Lance sighing quietly. I knew he wouldn't agree with my decision, but at least I got what I wanted from Justin. That this was just for the moment and the old treatment would come back soon I actually tried to ignore. I was so happy and didn't want to end up sad again. Idiotic me. I apologize for these breaks, but somehow the old JC seems really stupid to me.
So Justin and I left Lance house. Justin didn't without threatening him to break all his bones, when he was going to touch me.... Just as always when I was hanging out with Lance. Then we went home and Justin dragged me excited into our record studio in the basement.
"I have to show you, what song I wrote. By the way thank you, Baby."
I just smiled. Justin seemed to be so cool fide NT about this song and I was excited as well. Until he started to sing the chorus first.
"You told me you love me. Why did you leave me all alone?"
My smile disappeared out of my face. Instead I got serious and kind of nervous in which direction the song was going.
"Now you tell me you need me, when you call me on the phone."
I tried to be quiet, so I wouldn't interrupt Justin, but suddenly so many questions came into my mind like: Why did I inspired you to write this? When did I leave you? What does that mean? But I could stay quiet for the moment.
"Girls I refuse you must have me confused with some other guy. Bridges were burned and now it's your turn to cry."
And while he sang the chorus I started to cry. My world was shattering for a moment. I mean, what did he expect to happen when he said he wrote a song about new and showed you then a break up song like this. I thought he really wanted to break up with me.
Suddenly Justin stopped singing. "What's wrong, C?" he asked and stroke my back a little. "Hush Baby. Don't cry. It makes me sad, too, and do you want to see this amazing face sad?"
I didn't care at all of what he told me. Even though he tried to make me laugh. Or at least I hope he tried. If he had mean this seriously, it would be pretty sad though.
"Hey." He tried again to cheer me up and hugged me now. "Why are you crying, honey?"
"You sing this song to me instead of telling me why you are dumping me and ask why?" I cried out loudly and tried to pull me off Justin's arms.
"Wait, wait, wait. Dumping you? I never said something like that. Why do you think that?"
I sobbed and tried to restrain my tears back. "You said you wrote that song for me and now it is..."
He directly interrupted me by lying a finger on my lips. "Wow, I said you inspired me. When you were mad yesterday and provoked me by going out with Lance. Baby, that's the same thing like Gone. You know, where you went to the grocery store and left me alone for a whole hour. I would never let something so beautiful and amazing like you go. I love you Baby."
Suddenly I cried even harder. But this time because Justin's words filled my heart with joy. "That was almost the most beautiful thing you ever said to me." I sobbed.
"And here I got the most beautiful words I ever told you."
And little confused I looked at Justin, when he started to knee in front of me, holding my left hand. My eyelids widened and I couldn't believe what was happening next. "Joshua Scott Chasez. You are my muse. You are the reason why I love you so much. Most of my songs wouldn't exist, when you hadn't give me the inspiration and your knowledge to write them. Every line I wrote down is kind of an earning of us both. I don't know what I would do without you. You are the best thing that could happen to me. And so I want to ask you, the love of my life, do you want to marry me?"