Dear Heart

°The first letter°

Dear heart,

I know that you can't help it. I'm a very emotional person, so you know that feelings come and go as they please. I get sad easily, I get happy easily, I get mad easily, and I catch feelings fast. My emotions are all over the place. That's the way you work, right? You're swollen with tears, bursting with happiness, shook by anger, and in love. And all of that happens in a flash, with no warning beforehand. What can I do though? You've been like this the whole sixteen years of my life. Why would I even think about change? Sixteen year old me cries because of a stupid guy just like six year old me cried because of bruises.

You guessed it right. I am indeed crying right now because of a crush. Crushes usually range from a shallow attraction to a deep devotion. It's a wide spectrum, one might say. But for me, there is no in between. I either don't fall, or I fall hard. And when I do, it's tough to get me out of the pit I fell in.

It started with a look, a smile and a conversation. What followed was you, tightening against my chest. How did it all happen so suddenly? Why did you react this way? Even after telling you many times not to fall in love, why did you still go against my words, and fell for his charms, his sweet words, his intoxicating fragrance? Why didn't you even try to deny it like you usually do? Why didn't you try to rebel, pick a fight, protest? You accepted your fate with no struggle, no hesitation.

I'm not blaming you. How could I, when you don't have the choice? I guess... I was just... I was there, he was there... It just happened. That's not how I usually explain things, still I cannot fathom how it all came to be. Nothing seems logical at this point. The barrier between reality and imagination is now blurred. Reality is vivid, dreams are fading. Reality is fading, dreams are vivid. And out of everything I could've been thinking of, I thought of him.

So please, can you stop beating so fast when he's around? Can you stop sinking when he's talking to another girl? Can you get him off my mind for just a second? Crushes are not easy for you, neither are they for me. You're afraid of being broken, I'm afraid to catch feelings. And no matter how much we smile through the pain, we can't deny that we are both hurt.

It's funny how, even after writing this letter, I know it's futile. Deep down, I know that it's too late. We're already caught up in this game of love, and we can either break the shackles of crushes and seek the euphoria of love, or fall deep into the abyss of rejection, shame swallowing me whole and pain breaking you piece by piece.

Yours truly,

H.