Forest Fires

All I could feel was a heavy pit of despair in my stomach, weighing me down to the bar stool I currently adorned.

All I could see was the reflective glass of my drink of half consumed whiskey. It made for a better sight than the painful vision of intertwined limbs, wide blue eyes and honey blonde hair that came whenever I shut my eyes, as though it was burned to the inside of my eyelids.

 All I could foolishly hope was the pain deep in my chest would end after yet another drink.

Foolish indeed.

I knew I should be happy for her, happy for him, happy for the pair of them, but for the life of me I couldn’t manage anything more than a tight smile when I’d been told the news. Zayn Malik had proposed to his girlfriend Perrie Edwards. The same Perrie Edwards who I had drunkenly told I was in love with three months ago. The fact she hadn’t even mentioned this incident said more than words ever could. My pathetic yearning for her was definitely not mutual.

It made no sense. I don’t even remember when the inappropriate feelings had started. Maybe it was when I noticed how beautiful her smile was, or how she managed to use that smile even in the face of immense and incredibly unjustified hatred. She was so strong. It was a strength I admired.

But Perrie never belonged to me. She was Zayn’s girlfriend, even for a brief month Niall’s affectionate crush.

No…Perrie Edwards would never belong to me.

 I had Eleanor.

I had it all…right?

Wrong.

I felt like I was hanging above the city, on some thin thread of string that was constantly ten seconds away from snapping and all I could do was watch as the turmoil unveiled.  Other than Perrie herself, Harry was the only one who knew of my duplicitous feelings for the girl. Let’s face it; the younger boy was far too intuitive for his own good. He’d confronted me one night after we’d all been hanging out, asking me bluntly if Zayn knew I was in love with his girlfriend.

If he did, he was darn good at hiding it. Honestly, I had no idea what would happen if he did know. It would most likely mark the end of our friendship, maybe even an ultimatum; leave the band or he would. It would be the end of One Direction, much to the heartbreak and depression of millions of teenage girls. It was one of the many reasons Zayn could never know. I don’t think I’d be able to bare the look on his face if he did.

Eleanor didn’t know either. Well, that was more of an uncertain case. Sometimes I wondered if she was cottoning on from the lingering looks she sent Perrie whenever we were all in the same room together. It was probably one of the reasons the duo never got along.

 Perrie had tried befriending El at first, but the brunette had been somewhat frosty. It didn’t help that before we even knew each other Perrie had said I was her favourite member of One Direction whilst she was on X-factor. It may not mean much at the time, but it was certainly everything now. At least it was late at night, when I replayed her voice saying those fateful words in my mind, like a broken record.

Either way, the duo never quite connected, despite Perrie and Danielle’s tentative friendship before Liam and her split.

I didn’t really think much on the connections the girls had. Mostly my mind seemed to be forever etched on the topic of the fact I was a sick bastard for daydreaming about stealing away the woman who was pretty much the key to my best friend’s happiness.

God I was utterly screwed.

“You alright mate?” A familiar low husky voice asked, sinking onto the stool beside me. I glanced at Harry, regarding the younger boy for a moment before responding.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked, purposely leaving his question unanswered. Because honestly, I wasn’t alright for so many reasons that didn’t need vocalizing. A slight smile tugged on Harry’s lips.

“You come here when you want to be alone because it’s located somewhere hard to reach. Remember, you told me to come here when I wanted to wallow alone after Taylor and I split?” Harry replied, letting his earlier unanswered question slide, which I was incredibly thankful for.

“Oh yeah.” I muttered pathetically in response. I envied the fact that Harry had been able to get over his pain of losing the blonde singer, despite the fact he was pretty sure that Ed was in love with her too and that killed him a lot more than he let on. Yes, Harry could see what Louis hid deep down, but Louis could also see what Harry hid from most people. And for someone so open and mellow, Harry had a fair share of his own secrets.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you Louis.” Harry said softly, after a few minutes of mutual silence. I allowed my eyes to shut for an extended moment, my lashes the only thing holding back my pathetic emotions. It was like a barb to hear those words, even from someone who had good intentions like Harry did.

“I know.” I managed, opening my eyes once more to meet Harry’s piercing gaze. His brows were furrowed together in an effort not to embrace me or say something more. I knew he was aware of my need to be alone, to be in pain. “But nothing will ever change.”

“I know.” Harry echoed my words, without offering false comfort that would not be accepted. He said no more, merely offering a drink for the both of us and laying a warm hand upon my shoulder. The moment his touch pressed into my skin I felt myself crumbling under his knowing green eyes and I let myself cry as Harry embraced me and mumbled words that offered nothing but unconditional support.

I knew I should be happy for her, but all I could feel was pain.