If Only

Chapter Five: That's a First

"You know you don't have to hold back," he said with a seductive smile spreading across his face.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a whisper, trying to keep my focus and resist his advances.

"You know you don't have to stop yourself from doing what you want... I'm not going to make you do something you don't want to do," he said with a reassuring tone. "Just do what you want to do. Either way, I'll respect your decision."

His words were comforting, but the close proximity of our faces made it difficult for me to make a rational decision. All I could think about was the urge to tiptoe and press my lips against his once more.

His breath fanned over my face as he waited for my answer, or my next move. I felt my cheeks flush and my breathing become ragged. The pounding of my heart became more evident in my chest, and I let my impulsivity take over.

I wanted to be in the moment. I was feeling good, and yet, I was still resisting it.

And finally, I succumbed to the temptation.

My hand, as if on autopilot, reached up to the back of his neck and I rose up on my toes to meet his height, connecting our lips once more. This time, I allowed myself to give in to the desire that had been building up inside me, and I kissed him hungrily, as if I couldn't get enough of him.

I could sense the satisfaction emanating from his body and he welcomed me with open arms.

"That's what I thought," he whispered as he briefly pulled away. He gestured with his hands as if seeking my approval to wrap them around me, and I let out a soft sound of agreement. Without hesitation, he closed the space between us and enveloped me in his arms, erasing any distance between us.

His teeth grazed the bottom of my lip, biting down on the soft skin before releasing it and capturing my lips once again. His tongue requested entry into my mouth, and I moaned in response. It felt like a language that only the two of us understood. He plunged his tongue in and engaged mine in a passionate battle, and I surrendered to the moment and to him. He seemed to know more about this than I did, so I allowed myself to be consumed by it.

My legs turned to jelly and wobbled beneath me, but his strong arms held me steady, keeping me from falling. I surrendered to the sensations flooding my body as his tongue entered my mouth, exploring every inch of it. I tasted the minty freshness of his breath, but also the faint remnants of cigarette smoke on his tongue.

A new sensation overcomes me, unfamiliar and unsettling. I feel something stirring deep within the pit of my stomach, a feeling I can't quite put a name to.It spreads through me like a toxic substance, infecting every part of my body. Starting from the tips of my toes and extending to the very ends of my hair, I'm consumed by an overwhelming wave of goosebumps that rise on the back of my neck and down my arms.

His hands finally left my waist and rested on both sides of my cheeks. It was clear that he wanted more, but now his hands were no longer caging my body.

I didn't care that our noses were touching or that the sound of smacking lips filled the small space of the room. As we continued our heated kiss, thoughts of my father flooded my mind, trying to push away the clouds that clouded my judgement. But Jared's lips were too delicious and intoxicating, and they washed away any trace of my conscience along with my father's face.

My head hit the door as Jared pushed me in, leaving me with no chance to pull away. To be honest, I never imagined my first kiss to be like this. I pictured it happening in a romantic setting, on a date with a boy who personally asked my parents or grandparents for permission to take me out. A gentlemanly type.