If Only

Chapter Five: That's a First

I knew somehow we were both understanding each other as we stared into each other's eyes, unsure of what might happen next. It was dark, but I could feel his eyes on me.

As we sat there in silence, our eyes locked in a deep gaze, I could sense him leaning in closer. I threw all my inhibitions out of the closet door that even us couldn't get out from and stared back at him, and I didn't stop him from leaning in further. My heart began to race, and before I knew it, our lips met in a soft, tender kiss.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I realized that I was having my freaking first kiss! In a dark closet! With a vandal! The panic was mixed with excitement as his lips met mine in a soft, tender kiss. It was unexpected, but also felt so right. His touch was electric, sending shivers down my spine, and I found myself lost in the moment.

What do I do next? What do I do with my hands? My mind was racing with questions, and my body felt unfamiliar with the sensations coursing through it.

I kept my lips still and closed my eyes tightly, overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment. He was still himself, probably waiting for me to make the next move, but I have no idea how this thing goes! 

The kiss continued, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was doing something wrong. The uncertainty took over, and I abruptly pulled away, turning my head away from him.

As I pulled away, I caught a glimpse of his questioning expression. Guilt washed over me as I realized that I had almost wanted to pull him back in for another kiss. But the truth was, I didn't know what I was doing. My lack of experience was painfully obvious, and I felt like I had ruined the moment.

I stood up abruptly, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks as I turned away from him. My hands fidgeted nervously, unsure of what to do with themselves, as I attempted to fix my hair and wipe my face, anything to distract from the overwhelming awkwardness of the situation.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, my voice barely above a whisper.

I sensed him rising from his position too, and even with my back turned towards him, I could feel his height dwarfing over me. Not that I was short either, standing at 5'9, but his height surpassed mine, his neck at the perfect crook for my face to fit in. What?

Why the hell am I thinking about that?

"Hey, it's okay," he said, his voice soothing. "First times aren't always what you expect them to be."

"Y-yeah. I mean, we shouldn't be doing this in the first place. This is like, the last thing we should be doing..."

"You're hesitating" he cut me off.

"W-what?"

"You're hesitating. You're holding yourself back.

I desperately wanted to escape from the closet, but an inexplicable desire to grab him by the collar and resume the kiss was pulsing through my body. I thought he would apologize for the awkward situation and offer to help open the door, but to my surprise, a smile slowly spread across his face as he took a step closer.

"Don't..."

He took a step towards me despite my quiet protest.

Part of me wanted him to come closer, to dispel the doubts in my mind and continue the kiss. But my thoughts were consumed by all the possible consequences this could lead to for both of us.

He steps a step closer until much to my horror, with the smallest amount of light seeping through the door's gaps, I could see how dangerously close his face was now to mine.

"What-" I began to say, but he cut me off, his hand reaching up to caress my bottom lip with his thumb. I shivered at his touch, my mouth slightly opening.