Okay so I know that this is a lot of story building and it's kinda dragging on but I swear that more real life stuff and less thinking will happen soon xoxo
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It's 5:21 am. I'm waiting for my train in this sad station. He's obviously still on my mind. I know it's cheesy and I never really believed in love at first sight but after being around Patrick, it feels the same way I imagine it too. My gut burns with an aching urge to see him again. Whenever I say his name, sweet and warm thoughts flood my senses.
I keep reminding myself that I'm leaving Evanston today to get rid of the old and hit reset. Patrick isn't immune to the reset button. So much always weighs down on my shoulders and I can't live with the cycle of sadness that living in dark Illinois has caused me. Ever since I was young this place seemed to drag me down, my mom worked constantly and my dad got sick with cancer when I was young so I was left to be raised by my sisters and they didn't deserve he pressure of helping to bring up a child.
Because of the close proximity we all lived in, we are close but I'm the youngest and like my sisters did, I'm leaving this place. My father passed 6 months ago tomorrow and we weren't really close but he's what held us together when he could. While my mother lived a glamorous business life, she also had a life full of addiction and fake smiles.
She rarely spoke to any of us kids but when she did, she said that even if you are sad, you have to smile and make the whole world think you won the lottery. She was never seen without a sharp berry lipstick painted on and a pretentious up-do. In a sense, I admired her brick wall like mannerisms but we all knew how weak she really was. She too gave into bad habits, often needing pills to get her through her day.
Her meals were usually water and laxatives to stay skinny, her sleeping remedy was alcohol, and her form of entertainment was cheap sex with men who only hurt her in the long run. She is broken, I am broken, my family is...broken. That is why my family is no longer a family, I am leaving today, never to be seen again as the person I was.
I am stronger than any demon in my body and I will overcome the mountains that have been hurled at me. As I step on the train, I am a new woman. I am a strong woman who will not crack but will not stand for depression. I am a woman who doesn't need to struggle anymore. My fate is in my hands and I will mold it into something beautiful. I don't need Patrick, I don't need anyone, I need freedom and I will have it.
With that last thought, the train doors slid shut and I cozied into my hoodie feeling hazy from my buzz due to the drinking I did earlier. I was ready to take on life and use it to my advantage. My biggest fear is being forgotten, I will be someone, whoever that may be...
