Dear Reader,

| Entry 2 |

12/6/17

Dear Reader,

The emotions are back at it again. Maybe I'm too clingy, or maybe my hormones are off, but I'm sitting here in the corner, praying that I don't cry. I made a mental note to myself that I will stop inviting myself over to Xavier's and I will stop inviting myself to stay the night. I've even given myself a curfew when I go over, because I'm tired of feeling miserable. Yet here I sit. Waging with the almost constant battle of "to cry or not to cry" in my head. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I can state when, though. Xavier had an event that he performed in, and hadn't even mentioned to me.

"Oh but I was only in one portion," He had simply said, but it still stung. It's starting to feel like we're drifting apart, as if we're boats not tied to a dock. A weak simile, dear reader, I know, but it's the strongest I can muster. It feels as if I'm losing my best friend, but neither of us will admit it. It brings me back to our most recent fight- or discussion, I should say. There wasn't any arguing in that session; just the two of us laying our emotions on the table. Bare. Vulnerable.

"At the end of the day, do you still love me?" He had asked.

"Yes."

"At the end of the day, do I still love you?"

"Sure."

No matter how many times I tell him that I feel he doesn't love me anymore, it feels that he tries to brush it under the rug. He tells me that the idea is just "silly" or that "we're more like a married couple". Nothing has changed from it. Dear reader, do you know how it feels to slowly watch someone who used to set reminders in his phone to randomly compliment you, just turn into a person who barely gives you a second glance?

Now I could be wrong, and I could still be the light of his life. But, as of now, I feel as if I'm simply a burden on his existence. I no longer get the compliments, no longer do I constantly hear the 'I love you's'. I feel as if I give my all, but then I retreat back into my shell, and slowly try to ween off him.

"You're so guarded," He had told me within that most recent discussion.

I wonder if he thought about the idea that I could be preparing for a heartbreak. I wonder if he fathomed the idea that maybe I was trying to build a wall between the two of us, because to me, in this moment, I feel that there is no us. That there is only I. Our relationship has begun to feel slightly more one-sided. And I, an eighteen year old who wears her heart on her sleeve, feels slightly more blinded.

And now the waterworks begin. Try as I may to prevent them from spilling, but my eyes are faucets open to full blast. I honestly would do anything to make this relationship last.

But he's so content and yet I'm so miserable, and I can't tell you why I am. My friend just spoke to me and said, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be."

Maybe that's true. Because it seems to me that I have some sort of problem to where I'm only happy with him is when I'm with him. And I can't stand to be that person who drags others down when they're not around. Dear reader, maybe this is all me. Maybe I wasn't meant to be in a relationship this intense. Maybe I was meant to be in something more laid back, something not as serious. Because clearly my head is clouded with emotions and I can't tell whether my heart or my mind is leading this.

I wish this was easy.

I wish love wasn't this difficult.

I wish I didn't have to worry about breaking another's heart.

Dear reader, I love this boy. Am I going to break up with him? More than likely not. But is this going to be the topic of our next discussion? Absolutely.

I just want to cry, but I don't have an area to do that. I want someone to feel what I'm feeling. Someone to just understand my pain. Honestly, I think I'm driving myself insane. I wish I didn't have my brain.

There's just so much that goes on inside my mind, and I'm guessing if I don't get it out in a certain time, it starts to eat away. I guess it makes me writhe within my pain.

Dear reader, let me leave you with this. Have you ever been in love? Has it ever made you feel the way I'm feeling now?

Love,

A girl trapped in her thoughts.