FLAMES POV
I really wish we were still in Huntington beach the guys were great we had hit it off instantly the fun we had with those guys it was nice to get away from work and it was nice seeing Riot smiling I know she was bottling things up I really wanted her to open up but no stubborn arse.
well that was until a few months after we got back
FLASHBACK
Riot are you sure your alright hun you look like pure shit to be polite I remember asking her she ignored me and carried on what she was doing she reached for the bottle of Jack that was on the floor beside her, her hair was a mess she looked a right state which was unusual for her I left her for a bit and headed out I spoke to Ebs and Ronnie and Derek to see what she was like at work they said awful she snapped at customers and them she actually went for Ronnie one afternoon when they were mucking out the stables with a pitchfork pure mental Ronnie called her I decided enough was enough she needed to talk about Saul shes never spoke about him since he passed on and I am sure shes been self harming when we have asked her she just said it wasn't and that she done it in the stables while working we all headed to sarah's house she was still sat in same position as earlier bottle of jack in one hand ciggy in the other the sleeves on her top had ridden up to reveal the cut marks on her arms she had of mice and men blasting same song on repeat, Ronnie went over and sat in front of her and tried to take the bottle off her she soon snapped out the day dream '' fuck off Ronnie' he shook his head '' not till you talk to us '' she ignored him at first but he kept rhyming on I wasn't going o stop him as she needed to explode somehow and we knew repeating would work'' why are you cutting sis '' I asked her she shrugged and mumbled '' it helps ease the pain'' I sat with her '' I told you, that you needed to talk but you wouldn't hun why shut me out I've lost Saul too don't forget I could help you '' she shook her head and proceeded to stand up'' no you cant how can you help me you or these cant bring Saul back can yas no yas fucking cant I've known him since I was fucking five we grew up together become inseparable i have never ever loved anyone or ever will like I loved him the day he died a piece of me a very big piece died with him and you all expect me to talk about how im fucking feeling I cant the drinking , the cutting are my ways of dealing with this'' she took a breath we all sat and listened her eyes flitting from each of us and staring at Ronnie there was a twinkle there in her eyes I saw it before it was what she got when she looked at Saul '' you know something i sit and cry when I'm alone i have his clothes here still i cuddle up to them so i can get his scent i sometimes feel like he still here and realize he ain't I miss him so much I cant lay in our bed as it reminds me of the night before his accident and the worst thing ever I lost a small bit of him once at 14 weeks and the sames happened again I just thought it was the drink the being sick that hungover feeling or at least the food but noo my period was late i thought it was stress so headed to the doctors I found out I was pregnant again he should have been there when I found out the doctor had worked out i was three month gone so obviously I was carrying when we were on holiday I had my first scan at four months and what should of been a twelve week moving baby was a 12 week dead fetus inside me gutted wasn't the word so there's another reason why I'm like this i lost the last ever piece of him that would have maybe just maybe healed me but no it happened again I just miss him I didn't have him to turn to why did he have to drive back in the stupid fog he knew I wasn't keen on him driving in that type of weather why the fuck did he propose just to fucking leave me 2 hours after I hate him I really did'' she sobbed her heart out next thing we all knew the bottle of Jack went smashing into the wall the ring Saul gave her also hit the wall she collapsed in a heap seeing her this way really hurt she knew she could have spoke to one of us we wanted her too and now its come to this her self destruction well not anymore Ronnie picked her up and took her indoors I ran her a bath Ebony took her up and put her in while Myself Ronnie and Derek grabbed what food we could to russle up a meal god knows when she last ate, Ebony came down saying she removed all sharps out the bathroom an hour passed and riot came down stairs.
