I was driving to fast down the wet curvy roads. I was clenching the steering wheel at the thought of your face. You broke me and I wanted to die. You took the last good piece of me. I wanted to act like you never matter. I wanted to act like I didn't get hurt when things ended. I wanted to act like I was perfectly normal. But like my momma always told me, if I was supposed to be an actor I'd be in California not Illinois. Mascara running down my face, my nose stuffed up so it was difficult to breathe. Despite all of this I couldn't stop thinking of you. Not paying attention to the dark road. Not wiping my eyes so I could see. Not slowing down. Nothing could distract me from missing the way you argued when you thought you were right, your laugh when I'd tell a joke that wasn't even funny, the way your smile brightened my world, or even the way you'd cuddle me when I was sad. Nothing could save me from myself except you. And I ruined us too. Like everything I had ever done. I wanted us to work. I wanted everything to be perfect. I focused to much on trying to seem like it was perfect that I didn't put in the work to try to make it perfect. You broke me. Even though I ended it. You took what little I had left to give. I cried myself to sleep numerous times because you didn't think your words cut so deep. They did. Your words were sharper than a knife. They cut deep. And your actions are why I still have open wounds. Despite all the love I had you weren't enough. You were immature and disrespectful. I didn't stand up for myself because I wanted us to be perfect. You should never treat a lady like that. You should never talk to a lady how you talked to me. You better grow up and learn. You are crazy. You leaned on me when you had no right. Leaning on me caused me more pain than I deserved. I didn't deserve this abusive relationship. But thank you. You opened my eyes to a relationship I never want again. I will never let a man have that much control over my emotional well-being. I will never let a man talk down to me. I will never let a man disrespect me the way you did. So I love you but hate you. I'll always have mad love for the person I thought you were and the person I fell in love with. But I'll also always have mad hate for the person you became. I didn't have to remind myself much that you didn't deserve me. Because I know I sure as hell didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve the pain and suffering you gave me. So have fun with her. I'll be praying for her and you. Only God can help you.
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Authors Note:
Thank you so much for reading!!
Day 1 of letting my emotions run free. Feeling very emotional lately and writing how I feel makes me feel better. So enjoy!!
