Loop

He woke with a start; sweating and scared, heartbeats running a marathon. His eyes could not adjust to the darkness as he lay on the bed struggling to get a bearing. "Not that dream again!" He clambered out of the bed and dragged his heavy feet till the kitchen. As he opened the refrigerator, the sharp yellow light pierced his eyes like a sword. He rubbed his eyes and pulled out a chilled water bottle. Oh how heavenly the water tasted; sweet and calming! He moved from the kitchen towards his mother's room and stopped halfway "Well...she must be sleeping, better not to disturb" and he turned back. He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall; it was 4.30 am "plenty of time to sleep". He went back and lay down on his bed; falling asleep almost instantly.

He and his mother had shifted to this small town after his father had unexpectedly abandoned them. He loved his mother more than anyone else in this world. She had struggled a lot to raise him, handling a job and managing a notorious kid like him was definitely a demanding task. He adored all the small things that she did for him; from buying his favorite toys to reading bedtime. He remembered her sweet smell as he hugged her not wanting to go to school. She did mean the world to him!

Lately her health had weakened. She suffered from severe bouts of asthma and was weak, but somehow still managed to move around the house like a young teenage girl. He rarely used to get time to spend with her; a part time job at a nearby coffee shop after college kept him occupied till late evening. The house they lived in was a small one and did not require much looking after, but since his mother's health was weak, he had voluntarily taken up the job, so that he could provide for both of them. He remembered when he had got his first salary, how his mother's eyes had welled up with tears and she had hugged him "You have grown up".

The alarm rang and he woke up from his sleep. It was 8.00 am and he had to rush, for he was late. He hurriedly had a bath and put on a neatly pressed shirt as he rushed out of the bedroom into the hall. He put his bag down and looked around, but mother was nowhere to be seen. He went to the bedroom across the hall and pushed the door; it was locked. "Mom! Are you in there? Are you feeling fine?" No answer. He pushed the door again, it didn't budge. "Mom?" No response again. This was not the first time his mother had locked herself in; she used to do this whenever she had a fight with him. He did not remember seeing her for almost two days now. "Well atleast answer me if you don't want to see me" But it was useless. He knew he was responsible for this and the fight between them two days back had made his mother to cut off from him completely. He remembered keeping the plates outside the door when she used to lock herself in, but since two days only one dinner plate was empty; clearly she hadn't eaten much. "Mom! Please" still no response. "Look I am getting late for college, please atleast eat; yesterday's dal rice is in the fridge and I am locking the house from outside, I won't be late coming back, then maybe we will have tea in the garden" He took one last look at the door, turned back and walked out; locking the house behind him.

"What is wrong with her?" he thought to himself as he waited at the bus stop. The issue wasn't a big one for her to get so angry. All he said was that he was acting in the college play. He recalled the fight word to word. His mother walked into the room just as he was about to apply her new lipstick. She was startled. He was startled. "What are you doing with my lipstick? It's new......I haven't used it so far. Couldn't you have waited?" He smiled and handed it back to her. "I forgot to tell you......I am playing Draupadi in our college production......rehearsals start this evening" She took the lipstick and put it down on the table, " I never stopped you for anything before, but playing Draupadi...you should not do it, this is a small town, people will look at you differently if you play a female character" "Common Mom, we are in the 21st century, you don't object when I apply your lipsticks or drape your sari around and enact the scenes from your favorite plays, you find it amusing and entertaining don't you?" "Doing these things in the house; in front of me, and doing it outside, on a stage in front of the whole town are two very different things. I won't let you do it" The argument had escalated and she pushed him out and locked the door. He had also stormed out of the house in anger. She had not spoken a word with him since that day and had neither come out of the room.

He went about with his work just like he did every day; keeping to himself. After his job was finished, he decided to avoid the rehearsals and go straight home. He picked up his mother's favorite pasta on the way. As he reached home he was filled with an unexplainable guilt. He opened the door, flipped on the lights and walked to his mother's bedroom, the door was still locked. He banged on the door, still no response. "I have got your favorite pasta! Come let's eat Ma!" Filled with extreme pain and also frustration on her behavior, he poured the pasta and kept the plate outside the door. "Please eat it Ma!" and went back to his bedroom on the opposite side of the hall. His bedroom looked gloomy as the curtains were old and a little torn, the mattress on the bed; moth eaten. The dim yellow light gave an even sadder feel to the whole setup. His books lay scattered all over and a pile of clothes sat on the edge on the bed. He walked to the old wooden cupboard and pulled out an old night suit. As he wore it, his eyes fell on an old framed photograph on the wall. It was his mom's; smiling. Her face was glowing in the light of the setting sun in the background. She looked beautiful.

Just as he was immersed in his thoughts, he heard the loud ting-tong of the door bell. He walked upto the door and opened it; it was his college friend; Arun. "Hi...come in". As Arun sat down on the make-shift sofa in the hall, he asked "Are you ok? You look.....", not finding words to describe his condition. "I am fine. What will happen to me? It's just that mom is not talking to me and has locked herself inside, that is why I am a little upset." Arun looked alarmingly at him "Your mom?? What are you saying?" "I mean she has locked herself in over a pity fight two days back" Arun looked at him with serious concern "Are you.......don't you remember anything?" "Remember what?" Arun choose his words carefully, "Your mother died two days back"

There was an instant flash of anger as he slapped Arun hard on his cheek "How dare you talk something like this! You! My best friend...you are telling me my mother is dead...let me show you. You liar! Come with me" he dragged Arun by his collar to the locked bedroom door. "Look! The door is locked", he showed Arun pushing at the door. Arun's eyes welled up with tears looking at the condition of his friend. Without saying anything Arun looked at the door, and quietly opened the latch that was fastened from outside "The door isn't locked from inside"

Startled and completely taken aback he walked in the bedroom, Arun followed him. The bedroom was empty. He looked around; paralyzed. He was not finding words or emotions. He sat down on the floor with a loud thud. Arun kept an assuring hand on his shoulder. "Where is Ma? Arun? Where is Ma?" Wiping the tears that were falling down, he started screaming loudly "Ma!! Where are you Ma??": Arun looked at his friend; helpless.

His eyes fell on the table where the lipstick was lying; still unused. "We had a fight over this...I remember, she didn't want me to act in our play Arun...." And then it hit him; like eureka! He had come back home to find her lying sprawled on the floor, her asthma pump lying ten feet away from her; empty and broken. He had called the ambulance and the doctors had announced her death because of a severe asthma attack. He remembered her cremation the next day and he had come back to an empty house.

He fell down, howling like a child. Arun held him comfortingly like a small kid who is hurt. "Come now! Come!" Arun helped him up and took him to the hall leaving the bedroom door open.

"I killed her! I should have never participated in the play! And I also should have refilled her asthma pump" he was blabbering away. Arun held his friend, feeling really sad at his condition.

He didn't know when he fell asleep on the sofa. When he woke, he saw Arun sleeping on the floor. It was 3.30 am. He got down from the sofa and went to his mother's empty bedroom. He sat on her bed, the bed sheets still smelled of her. "You really left me Ma! I am sorry! I should not have fought with you! Forgive me and come back Ma! I don't have anyone else in this world....." He sat there; in the darkness, smelling the bed sheets. After an hour or so, he got up came out of the bedroom, locked the door and fastened the latch from outside. His feet knocked the pasta plate on the floor; he picked it up and ate all the pasta; hastily, like he had not eaten in a long time. After finishing the plate, he placed it down in the same spot again and retired to his bedroom.

The alarm rang and he woke up from his sleep. It was 8.00 am and he had to rush, for he was late. He hurriedly had a bath and put on a neatly pressed shirt as he rushed out of the bedroom into the hall. He saw Arun, still sleeping on the floor. "What is Arun doing here?"

He put his bag down and looked around, but mother was nowhere to be seen. He went to the bedroom across the hall; there were now two empty dinner plates! "Good atleast she ate!"

He pushed the door; it was locked. "Mom, are you in there?"