Rants!!

Rants of a mad man pt. 2

 It seems like nostalgia is the thing these days. Probably every toy I had as a kid is now a movie trilogy and the new games look like old games and everything is in fashion. It does seem like the past is the fucking place to be. When I was a kid I had a big house with a shitty black and white tv. But now I've got a 55 inch plasma and a $600 phone but a shitty house with mirrors instad of other rooms because house prices start at half a million and I doubt anyone would have accepted the trade if you'd been asked first. 

  One day you realize ythat you need binoculars and a clear day to see the poverty line and your whole life is the equivalent of playing tennis with a fryong pan. So, maybe it would make sense why people are nostalgic for there child hood because anyone looking back at the world right now would conclude that shit is fucked. Like if people from the future were watching us now fuck knows what they'd be thinking now. Not is bullshit now sucks, especially on a personal level. And I'm not even the least bit nostalgic. And many people wonder how I can be so happy with all this.

   People look at me like they look at the world and they probably see a whole lot of wasted potectial. And I definetly see that myself sometimes. I mean you grow up and it's all before you and you start forming who you are. But then suddenly schools over and youths over and you have to take what you've built and somehow make it work. But what if it doesn't? What if all freedowm did was allow you to become unmarketable? What if yoru carefully crafted persona came at the expense of developing practical skills? And it constantly feels like a mirical that some adults aren't currently living in an alley. What if that was another trade off? What if you had to spend so much time and emotion trying to find out who you are that when you look around it feels like you began 100 feet back from the starting line? What if you have decades left to go yet it always feels like there's no time left.

  Sometime it feels like your stuck in some kind of permanent brunch between school and adulthood. Constantly expecting maturity to kick in like in the way tv said it would but as the years pass it never seems to ahppen. But you keep waiting keep getting dressed up for the ball but it keeps getting deferred and meanwhile they're telling you to prepare for adult life. They're telling you to learn some relevant skills and go outside and meet someone but they never tell you how and they definitely don't tell you about all the other shit you're going to be learning while you're tring to learn to type and poor drinks or dance for the people and you had to learn a lot. You know?

  You have to learn to be alive but not exist because people look at you and willfully ignore anything beneath the surface. You have to learn how to bury the anger because if you didn't all there would be is anger. You have to learn how to imitate humans so you can pass for one of them but you still worry about being discovered. You had to learn to live with all the knowledge that one day this will all be over and all you can do is desperately try to make some ripples in the water to prove you were here before you sink below forever. And you have to learn how ro live with the fact that millions of people won;t even get that much because overwhelming heartbreak and injustice is a constant and you were lucky not to be born into it.

  People don't tell you that in the future if it wasn't for work you would just want to sleep forever. That sometimes mechanisms can ket you go anywhere can also paralyze you. The competition that anyone can win is also what can help you destroy yourself by constant comparison to everyone else in the race so you can be independent and attractive with a decent job and an apartment, and you'll still feel like a total fucking failure half the time.

  Maybe there won't even be an Earth in the future the way things are going. But if there is and we somehow invent our way out of climate change and prejudice and terrorism and nuclear war if there's some amazing future society that looks back on us the way we look back on th Black Death are they going to see anything worth salvaging? Are people in the future just going to be laughing at us? If they can time travel they're probably here right now. They probably watch the past for entertainment  exactly like we do with movies. They're probably invisibly walking around staring liek we stare at an aquarium pointing at all the primitive creatured that never made it on shore. How we spend so much time doing things we hate, how we're constantly held back by selfishness, how we all look the same but hate each other regardless, how you can get a few million of us in one place yet when you zoom in you see how alone everyone feels. I know at least they'd never want the world to return to how it was. They sure as hell wouldn't be nostalgic for this, but you know what, I try to feel that way to.

  We're supposed to yearn for the good old days. We're supposed to look around like we're the end of history and think that everything is fucked and it all gets gradually worst. But that's bullshit because I look back and I can only speak for myself but I have never had so much as I have now. I look back and I was never this unhappy but I was never this focused either. I was never this stressed but I was never this responsible. I was never this discouraged but I was never this engaged. I was never this tired, but I was never this myself either. I was never this afraid but I swear to god I was never this determined. And I don't know a lot, but I know I'd never want to be any me except this one. 

  Somedays it seems hopeless and like nothing will get better and you just want to be a real kid again for a minute and not have to worry about everything but on other days I remember how I've never enjoyed anything as much as I enjoy the things I've accomplished and the people who I only know because of who I am now.

  I'd like to see a movie trilogy about that. I'd like to see a movie where everybody realizes that nobody is who they were born because it's your right to work towards something you're happy with. I'd like to see a movie about how things do get better and fear can;t change the world because love is the only thing motivating enough to shape the future and if people from the future are looking back at me there going to see someone who's looking back at his own past and is only nostalgic for Halloween and summer becase this. this is me, and I like me believ it or not.