When the Leaves Fall | ✓

k u t i t a p

k u t i t a p

(n.) the glittering, sparkling, and scintillating flashes of tiny, numerous lights

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I am struggling.

I am struggling each day to smile, to laugh, to relax, to be peaceful, to sleep, to focus... I am struggling each day to enjoy life, because right now, life is beating me down. And I fake it well; oh, how well do I fake it!

But I'm a dirty rotten liar. I'm not always okay. I'm not always happy. I don't always care about you when all I want to do is sink into my own worries and pain. And what pain it is! Death and illness seem to haunt me. They dog my footsteps, trying to make me give up and give in. I'm crying in despair at night, knowing I am helpless with enemies as slippery as sickness.

But yet, there's these little things that keep me going, even if they're small. Maybe that's all we need to keep going: little things. Little dots of hope. Little specks of mercy.

Faith. Friends. And you.

I think this was always going to be written to you. More words that I write are addressed to you than I like to admit. And that's because you're on my mind almost constantly. Sometimes you bring a smile to my face; sometimes I wipe away tears. I think that's what this stage is about: when there's so much uncertainty about what we're doing. Are we heading toward love or closeness? I don't always know the difference.

But yet, when I see your notification, I grin. I can't help it; I grin and try to restrain myself from answering you immediately. I could talk to you all day.

You distract me, and in a good way. Thank you.

But it's not just you. My friends are another gift. It's them that lend me strength. They are the ones who offer to bring a meal when one of my parents gets home from surgery. It's them that prays for me. It's them that hugs me tightly and says they're sorry with tears in their own eyes, because somehow our hearts are so closely knit that they feel my pain.

This suffering has one benefit: I can use it later. Later, when someone is overwhelmed by anticipated grief, I can say to them, "I know. Let me help you." God uses the broken and dark parts of ourselves, and right now I am edging on darkness, held back only by the threads of His hope and love.

It is faith that keeps me going, and it is faith that has stood the test and is being strengthened by pain. I'm lost right now in the world, but I am stable in the Lord; that is all that matters, because that is all that lasts. Even if my heart is broken by the sickness in my family, it is held in the careful hands of my savior.

He is the northern star guiding me out of this darkness.

In this world that's bathed in beauty of brilliant colors, it's easy to forget that it's dying. The leaves are falling from the trees; and in the whirlwind of falling vibrancy we have to recognize that sometimes ends can be beautiful too.