i never wanted to love you

chapter one

I've never been "polite". Maybe sometime within the first 18 years of my life, but since then, with the whole falling in and out of love thing, I haven't been the kindest. I'd rather be feared than loved. If I'm feared, no one will bother me, no one will try to get close out of fear of being hurt by me. Sure, it sounds like a hard lifestyle, but once I allowed myself to feel nothing, I didn't mind too much, but frankly, that's because I don't mind anything.

Life hasn't been the kindest to me, hence my "rough exterior", as some would call it. I've been through pain, heartbreaks, emotional and physical beatings, a plethora of things that have subsequently all added up to who I am today. I could've led a different life, not gotten myself into certain situations. But here we are.

I cross the threshold of the Dean's office, wondering what she's called me into the office for now. I would be worried, but considering the Dean is my mother... nope I'm still worried. She never has anything good, or motherly, to say to me. No "Carmilla! How is your day going? Good? That's great! Let's get lunch!" or anything. Another piece to the puzzle titled "Why Is Carmilla So Fucked Up?'

"You're being assigned a new room."

"What? Why? I would appreciate it if I could continue spending my downtime in my own place I've set up for myself."

"Well, I guess you'll have to get over it, now won't you?"

"Do I at least get to be by myself still?"

"Not this time. I figured you could live with a bit of a challenge. A match, if you will. You'll be roomed with an annoying shrill of a girl. One who truly challenges you."

"Lady, you are stark raving mad."

"I am your mother, refer to me as such."

"My apologies, Mother" I say with a scoff and a condescending bow. "But why do I need a challenge? Don't I do enough for you? Don't I fill your quota? Your expectations?"

"You need to be reigned in, Mircalla."

I cut her off, "Carmilla. My name is Carmilla."

"As you wish. Now, here's your new room number, and a map highlighting the path to get to it."

"How kind of you. That's new."

"Go on. Get out of my sight." she spits.

I angrily stomp out of the office and the building, crumpling the map and shoving it into my pocket. Why must she always test me? I do everything she asks. I lure the girls in for her to do her horrendous tasks. She is just ridiculous.

I feel the cool breeze on my skin. The leaves of the surrounding trees rustle on their branches and crunch under my boots. The October air is crisp and clean, smelling slightly of bonfire smoke. It was a lovely day, I admit. I tend to stay inside most of the time, just because I usually have no business being outside, other than getting to and from the classes I feel like attending. But on this trip from the Dean's office building to my dorm to pack the minimal things I have, I decide to stop to look up at the sky and take in the nice weather.

Once I finished my refreshing walk, I walk into my dorm room and look around. It won't be much to pack but it'll still be stressful. I begin by taking my tapestries and posters off the walls. I grabbed the small remote off my nightstand and switched on some music, figuring the time may pass quicker if I enjoy it a bit more than I am right now, which is not at all.

My things are packed sloppily into a bag that looks more like Santa's toy sack after I fill it up nearly all the way. I take a final look around at the room, then step out and lock the door. I reach my hand into my pocket and uncrumple the map Mother gave me. Of course the dorm building I'm moving to is all the way across campus. I throw my bag over my shoulder, put in my earbuds and start walking. I am again hit with the refreshing autumn breeze when I walk out of the door to my now former dorm building. It lifts my spirits a bit just because I love autumn so much.

When I finally reach the new building, I enter to the sound of laughter. I walk down the long hallway and find the source of laughter, two redheads with a board game in the common room. They don't notice my entrance.

I clear my throat, "I hate to interrupt you soul-less beings, but how do I get to dorm 307?" The one with the long hair raises an eyebrow at me, and the other stands up to reach eye level, and reluctantly says, "Take the elevator there up to floor 3, and it'll be the fourth room on the left." I nod.

I can feel their eyes on me as I make my way to the elevator, and they continue to stare until the elevator door closes.

Ding! Floor one.

I can't believe mother is making me do this. She truly is the bane of my existence.

Ding! Floor two.

Who is this "match" she's sticking me with anyway? How bad could she really be?

Ding! Floor three.

Well, here goes nothing. I step out of the elevator and enter the hall. It reeks of incense and... cookies? At least I'll have snacks. I walk past the first door on the left, and the whiteboard posted on it reads "LaFontaine & Lola Perry", the first name written in bubble letters, the second one with flowers all around it. I make my way to the next door, the sign on it reading "Sarah Jane & Natalie". The next door reads "Danny Lawrence', and finally I reach door number 4. It has a sign on it that reads "Laura Hollis" with a magnifying glass as the O and... "Betty"? She already has a roommate? This should be great. Mother probably has it figured out though, I suppose one of them isn't in there anymore and they just haven't changed their board yet. I take a breath, and barge right in.

"Hey."