Forever Isn't Long Enough

One

Lauren calls a week later. Normani is dreading the call. Almost doesn't pick it. But she's weak so she ends up picking it.

"He proposed!" She sounds happy. Elated even. She talks Normani's ear off over how he did it and what the ring looks like and Normani keeps thinking of the bottle of whiskey she has hidden under the sink and how good it'll feel to drink it straight from the bottle.

The wedding is set for July. Normani almost doesn't go. But she knows Lauren won't forgive her if she doesn't.

"Do you think I'm making the right decision?"

No. Normani wants to say. "James loves you." She says instead.

"Yeah." Lauren smiles and smooths her hands down her white dress. She looks like every single one of Normani's dreams and the sight of her hurts so badly Normani can taste it. "I'm getting married." She whispers with tears in her eyes.

Normani cries too. But for an entirely different reason.

After the wedding, she doesn't speak to Lauren for months. She finishes school and takes jobs all over the world. She takes the most beautiful pictures and flirts with beautiful women. Sometimes she lets them take her to bed, sometimes she only lets them buy her coffee. It's a thrill, being wanted, and she revels in it. She kisses girls in front of swirling rivers and pulls sheets from their bodies in the most exquisite of hotels.

She's not happy. Not really. But she's not sad either.

Almost a year after Lauren's wedding she gets a call from her in the middle of the night. Her voice is hushed and quiet and Normani can imagine her in the bathroom. Nervous. Careful not to wake her husband who's in the other room. She wonders why she picked the call.

"You don't call me anymore." It's not an accusation. More of a statement than anything. "Don't you miss me?"

"Of course I do."

"I miss you too."

They talk the whole night through. And Lauren calls the next day and the day after that and old habits steal their way back into Normani's life, like muscle memory. And it's as if she never tried moving on.

She goes back home for thanksgiving. She visits Lauren once. James is there and he keeps his arm around Lauren's waist the whole time. Normani never visits again.

She spends christmas with her family then flies out right after. She spends new years with a girl she doesn't know and has no intention of knowing beyond having green eyes and soft hands.

Lauren calls in February. Sixteenth. Around ten. Her voice is pure excitement. "I'm pregnant!" She says. And Normani feels like she could die.

She doesn't visit until the baby is born. He's small and clean and he looks like Lauren all the way to his tiny toes.

"He's beautiful." Normani tells Lauren because it's the truth. James helps Lauren feed him and he helps change him and Normani's heart breaks and breaks.

She goes to London after that. She gets a small apartment that's right opposite a coffee shop and has a window seal where she can sit and watch the city go by. She lets a girl take her out. She has soft dark skin and kind brown eyes and extremely curly hair that only goes to her neck. Her favorite music is from this decade and she chooses her books from the bestsellers list. She has an accent that sounds like  fresh coffee and old books. She's the very opposite of Lauren. And that's Normani's favorite thing about her.

She kisses Normani in the rain sometimes. Slow and delicate. She likes to smile into kisses and hum in the shower. Her clothes smell like vanilla and are always too big on Normani. When she sleeps over, she wraps her legs around Normani like a vine. The two of them aren't in love. She's French, around London on holiday. Normani's American. She's in London to forget. That's enough for them.

They give each other five months of their lives and in another life time, Normani knows she would have loved her.

Normani goes home that summer. Her grandmother demands for her and she doesn't know how to say no. Lauren's waiting for her when she gets there. "I knew you wouldn't have seen you otherwise." This time her voice is an accusation.

Normani feels bad. It's not Lauren's fault she can't control her feelings. She tries and visits often after that. She and little Alejandro develop a bond. He likes her. And he reminds her of Lauren so she loves him. James is at work most of the time. So it makes it easy for Normani to pretend that this is her family. She feels bad for doing it. But she does it anyway.

They have picnics and park walks and sometimes they lie down with each other with little Alejandro between them and it scares Normani out of her wits how easy it is for her to fall right back in love with Lauren.

It's like those five months in France never happened.

It's like she never tried moving on with her life.

The night before she leaves for Newyork Lauren shows up in her room.

"You'll stop calling again, won't you?" It's not a question. So Normani doesn't answer. "I feel it too, you know." She says, still doesn't look at Normani.

"Lauren..."

"I'm not stupid. I know how you feel about me, Normani. And I-"

Normani can't help it, she kisses her. She knows it's wrong and selfish but she does it anyway. When she tries to pull back, to apologise, Lauren kisses her. And somehow they fall into bed. And somehow it's everything Normani thought it would ever be and nothing like she thought it would be all at the same time.

It happens again after that. And again and again. Everytime Normani's in town. Which is often now. It's not all they do though, which somehow makes the whole situation worse. Sometimes they just talk. Or share a ciggarette that neither of them likes. They cook at midnight and dance to no music in the light of day.

It's a dangerous game. And both of them play it over and over again.

It goes on for a year. Until James comes knocking on Normani's door one rainy day, a day before she's set to leave town.

"Stop." He's soaking wet, standing on Normani's porch. Looks like he's been crying. But Normani can't tell with all the rain that has fallen on him.

"James I-"

"I don't care." He cuts her off. "She's my wife. She's the mother of my son. You need to stop."

And she knows he's right. She has never been under the illusion that this would last forever. It temporary, just like her affair with Estelle had been temporary in London. Lauren has a family, and Normani has to find  a way to move on.

"You're leaving." Lauren says when Normani tells her about James finding out. It's not a question. Normani gives an answer anyway.

"I have to. You have a family, Lauren. We both knew it wouldn't last forever."

"I'm not just going to let you go. You know that, right?" Her voice isn't trembling. She is one hundred percent certain of what she's saying. "I've chased you almost all my life. Remember when I sat next to you on the bus and talked your ear off even though you didn't talk back? I followed you to Newyork. I took a train there every fucking week, without fail. And when you stopped calling, when you ran, I called. Over and over. I don't know how to live without you and it turns me into a selfish bitch but I don't know how to stop and I'm not willing to learn. You can go. And you can shut me out. But I will chase after you. You and I both know this."

And Normani knows she's right. They both know it.

THE END.

I'm having the worst writers block, I just wrote this to try and get my thoughts flowing again. I'm not sure if it worked.