An Inheritance

Chapter 18

But Lauren didn’t understand this, not at all.  Everything she had read indicated her mother was still so attached to her own mother and loved her deeply. Not wanting her grandmother to even attend the wedding was definitely strange.  She began to think that the extreme number of letters, along with the length and detail, was her mother’s way of making up to her grandmother for cutting her physically out of her life.

As Lauren continued to read, the life her mother described with her father was pretty idyllic as far as she could make out.  They had their struggles as any young couple would have, with limited funds and huge dreams, but their bond was extremely close.  Conrad joined Alma above the hardware store right after their marriage as he was a junior pharmacist and she was still in school.  They saved their money and two years after they married, Alma graduated and Conrad was offered a great position at a pharmacy in another part of Paterson.

“ … I’ll really miss the Belcourts, they’ve just been so kind to both Conrad and me.  But we’ve found the cutest apartment closer to where Conrad works and the thought that we can actually buy our own furniture and decorate it with our tastes … I can’t tell you how exciting that is.  I also had an interview with a young judge, Judge Joseph McKinney, and I know I have the job.  I’ve heard he’s very respected and everyone expects only good things from him.  Things are really going great for us.  I can barely breathe sometimes thinking how good life is right now.”

The Judge became Alma’s mentor, friend and teacher.  He and his wife, Natalie, even had the young couple over to their home on occasions and Conrad thought very highly of him.

The lives of this young couple were headed toward wonderful things, they had a great group of young friends and Alma and Conrad enjoyed entertaining.  They often went into New York to see a play, or visit museums or just have dinner.  It was a fantastic life.

“ … Mamma, I have the best news for you.  I am pregnant with a beautiful baby girl.  She will be bright and clever and we will call her Danielle Nicole.  Please don’t be disappointed, this is exactly what we want.  She will be everything a normal, wonderful child should be.  Conrad is beside himself with happiness, he treats me as though he thinks I’m made of fine china and will break if I even lift a finger.  Everything is so wonderful.”

Lauren was puzzled.  None of what she had been reading had any resemblance to the man she remembered during her childhood.  It is true that she always felt her father cared for Danielle much more than he did her, but that really wasn’t much of a consolation, especially when he had been drinking.

The next few years Lauren’s mother described her young family as one that, although not perfect, was affectionate and fun loving.  They searched and finally found a small house in the suburbs with a neighborhood full of young couples with young children.

Alma’s letters were full of a young mother’s fears and trepidations along with the wonderment of watching a young child grow.  It was evident that her mother had given her advice and encouragement because Alma wrote about trying some of the things her mother had mentioned.  Conrad was a very devoted father and the weekends were spent just with their small family.

When Danielle was around two, her grandmother had come to New Jersey and had stayed for a few days.  From the letter her mother had written after, it was a bitter sweet reunion.

“… I’m so sorry how abruptly your visit had to end.  But I am so glad you got a chance to see Danielle and were able to appreciate how  wonderful your granddaughter is.  Seeing you again filled in an area of me that has been missing since I left home, and that makes me miss you even more now.  However at the same time it brought back all of the heaviness I wanted to leave behind along with memories I have tried so hard to suppress.  Conrad really didn’t mean to say what he did, he’s really ashamed of himself right now.  Knowing how his family brought him up, I should have known that having you here was a mistake.  As much as I hate to say this, I don’t think we can do this again.  I will always love you with all of my heart, but we just can’t get together, it is just much too painful for everyone.”   

What was going on with her family?  Lauren would have thought that this would have been the start of some type of reconciliation.  Even in her mother’s letter, it was still so evident she loved her grandmother, that she even needed her.  It really didn’t make any sense.  The fact that her father had evidently blown up at her grandmother didn’t fit with the man he was at that time; later, yes, that was normal, especially when he was drunk, but not back then.  Lauren had to admit that she knew nothing of her father’s family, his parents had died way before she was born.  Maybe there was something in his childhood that had made him the way he was. 

That’s something I’ll probably never know.

Many of the letters after that fell into the category of day to day activities.  Then came a letter that totally floored Lauren.  Her mother wrote that she was pregnant again and that she didn’t know how to tell Conrad. 

“… Mamma, this pregnancy is going to be hard on Conrad.  Not for the fact that this will be another girl because she will be beautiful, smart and strong.  But she may be stronger than the two of us together.  This scares me.  I don’t know how I am going to handle it and Conrad will be devastated.  I had hoped after Danielle that I wouldn’t have anything to worry about, but things have now changed.”

So I really was the cause of my parents’ problems?  As a child Lauren had always felt she was the reason her parents fought; that she wasn’t good enough, that she didn’t behave as she should.  As she grew older she put that behind her as the new life her mother created gave her more confidence and structure away from her father.  But I hadn’t even been born yet and I frightened my own mother? How could that be?  Lauren felt deflated and depressed; whatever she had been looking for as the start of the unraveling of her parents’ marriage, she certainly hadn’t expected this.  She was tired, drained and in no mood to continue reading.

For the past two days, Lauren hadn’t done much of anything except read her mother’s letters.  She had forced herself to spend some time in the gardens each day, especially when she knew she had to get out of the bedroom for a while.   Meals were quickly made and eaten but always punctual, something Abby always insisted on.

That last letter had really devastated Lauren.  I had hoped for answers, but not this.  It had been late, so Lauren grabbed the letters and put them back into the brightly colored dresser.  She went through her routine to prepare for the night, then went to bed.  She was sure she wouldn’t sleep well and felt her dreams would be even more twisted than the ones about her twelfth birthday.

So it was a surprise to her when she woke early Saturday morning and realized she had fallen asleep fairly easily and her dreams, though intense, were not at all disturbing.