Perking the Pansies, Jack and Liam move to Turkey

Chapter 2 - Ave Maria

"My dear Colin, there are homosexuals everywhere. We're like the Irish."

Colin sipped his tea for inspiration. "You do know that Turkey's a Muslim country?"

"No shit?"

His brain clanked and whirred like a Babbage prototype, spitting out a chain of increasingly infuriating questions, each designed to challenge our toxic choice of destination.

"What's wrong with Spain?" he said.

"What's wrong with Turkey?" I said.

Colin was unyielding. I tried my well-rehearsed I love Turkey because homily. He listened impassively. It was a lost cause.

"You know what, Jack?"

"What?"

"It's your funeral."

"Well thanks for the vote of confidence."

He smiled. "You can rent the house until you leave."

There we had it. Mad Colin was definitely on something. Someone had popped a pill in his Lapsang Souchong.

"Say that again, Colin."

"And I'm the one with the hearing aid."

"I could kiss you."

"Please don't. I vote Conservative."

We sipped our tea and sat in uneasy silence. Colin's eyes darted about to survey his new kingdom. He was off with the covetous fairies, muttering incoherently like a novice Buddhist at an inaugural Puja. Christ, the old boy was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I could have my throat garrotted at any moment.

He broke the peace. "I like your furniture."

"It likes you, too."

"I'll buy it."

"Done."

With that, my very own fairy godfather made his excuses and scampered off into the cold East End air. Business was concluded. House and contents sold. I poured a stiff gin and tonic, floated in to the lounge, collapsed onto the sofa and fiddled with my mobile phone. I should ring Liam. "Hello, hub. I've just sold the house to our psychotic neighbour. No, it's fine, he paid in cash. Contract? Don't be silly. Yes, you're right; our world has just changed on the turn of an indecently short conversation with a lunatic."

I decided against the call.

The house was perfectly still apart from the persistent clicking of a carriage clock on the mantelpiece. I looked around the room and said my goodbyes to the sofa and the sideboard, bequeathing them to Colin in my head. I guessed he wouldn't want the signed picture of Tammy Wynette. I willed Liam home and befriended the Bombay Sapphire while I waited. Four glasses of mother's ruin later, I snapped out of my trance and rushed to the phone to ring the estate agent. "Hi. It's Jack Scott. I've decided not to sell. Sorry."

Liam shimmied into the lounge.

"Guess what?"

"You've had the chop and changed your name to Bunty."

"Robbie's agreed a deal on the house."

Liam threw off his jacket and sat down beside me. "Who needs the UN, eh? Eighteen months of arguments and recriminations, all settled with a quick phone call. He just caved in. Karma's on our side, husband. Get your glad-drags on, we're celebrating."

A drop of gin dribbled down my chin and gave the game away.

"Oh my God, you're shit-faced."

"Shut up, Liam. I've got something important to tell you."