Free Write

Welcome to My Mind

I typically have a lot of things on my mind at all times. Most of the time they connect and are intertwined, but other times they are their own separate thoughts in their own categories. I have many emotions to go with these thoughts, and the result of getting lost in them or letting them take control is me snapping at loved ones.

I don't mean to be mean and rude, I just get so lost in emotion that I no longer have sense or reason for my lashing out, and as a result I feel a combination of the previous feeling and heavy guilt. No matter how many times I apologize to them, no matter what I say I'll do to make it up to them, I feel like they resent me more and more each day instead of love me like they say. Every comment, every move, every glance, and every declaration of affection seems like it becomes less and less sincere with every time I lash out and make a mistake. I know there is something wrong with me. I know I'm not normal.

I hate to self-diagnose, but I find myself doing it all the time. Based on how I have been feeling for the last three to four years, I have guessed that I have mild to moderate depression, but I never have said it out loud until now in fear of being judged by others and told that because nothing has happened to me, I can't possibly be depressed. Another alternative that I have overthought is that some will think I am over-exaggerating, or that I don't know what depression actually feels like and that I'm asking for attention. Until now, I've kept it to myself, burying it deep down within myself. I knew I didn't have a normal brain, and I know I can't evaluate my mental health based off of some symptoms I found online because they match what I feel lately, but I know I'm not all here.

I have people tell me that I can tell them anything without judgement, but I know that's a lie; everyone judges everything all the time. There are so many things I want to tell at least one person in particular, how I just want to sit down in a quiet room and express all that I feel in my heart and soul to them, but I can't make sense of it myself, let alone explain it to another person. Besides, each time I've tried, it ends up in an argument and unnecessary frustration from both sides: I'm frustrated they don't understand, and they are frustrated that I'm getting progressively more upset for seemingly no reason.

I hate the way my brain works. It tries either too hard or not hard enough. It's really hard for me to explain here on this blank page on my computer screen. As I listen to the calming and slightly depressingly toned music from my iPod while I try to write this, words begin to fail me. I started this paragraph with everything slightly planned out, knowing what points I would make for each sentence, when all of a sudden they fade away from me like a mirage in the desert. That's one way my brain works, even though I'm sure it happens to everyone else too. I will be in the middle of writing a very passionate line for a poem or story, thinking of each individual word to use in each paragraph, when all of a sudden I'll go blank on one of those words and the vibe of the writing piece is completely thrown off kilter.

I overthink a lot of the time too. It's becoming a large problem for my inner self. I recently turned 18 about a week and a half ago, and with that I feel like my mentality on a lot of things has changed; for one, I think about and slightly worry about problems I have yet to face in the near future (such as marriage, having a family, what my living situation will be, etc) I haven't even graduated high school yet, and for some reason these things are all I can think about.  I say that I am laid back and go with the flow, and I am for the most part. I like to go off on free style writing or road trips, but at the same time I need a loose foundation for a plan of action to have some idea of where I'm going or what I'm doing. Every time something small bumps against me and my already set plans and I really begin to think about it, I need to start all over again with a new foundation.

One of my biggest fears is being deserted or being all alone with no one that cares about me. I know I'm well-liked by people, and loved by others, but I always fear that they'll wake up one day, realize how terrible I am, and leave me with no further explanation. I over think this all the time, and always am asking for reassurance that I'm not hated, but by asking so much and so often, I feel like they resent me a little bit more each time I repeat the question once again.