Sorrowful Dreams

Lost and Empty

"Do you know where we're going? if you don't mind me asking" Penelope asks

Simon was still having a hard time having the strength to talk, he just seemed more exhausted right now than anything. 

"I don't care honestly, just away..." was Simon's reply. He was still carrying Baz on his shoulder.

"They're going to be looking for you, you know that right?"

"if they find me, I'll just go off"

Penelope stopped in her tracks, looking at Simon with a surprised expression.

"Simon, did I just hear you'd go off on them if they come to take you back?"

Simon's face didn't tell her anything, it still looked blank.

"Simon, you can't just say things like that!" Penelope whined

"Penelope, you don't understand"

Simon turned to look straight into her eyes, and as Penelope looked deep into his deep blue eyes they seemed more darker and cruel.

"Simon?"

"All this time, they used me like a tool Penny, I am obligated to protect the world of mages because I was chosen, as such they have high expectations..." Simon began to move on without her; still talking.

"The old families protest against the mage, and the pitches are one of the oldest families, and sense I was an ally to the mage, Baz had no choice but to despise me, as far as I know nobody damn well cared what I thought, whatever I thought was right may not have been right in the first place."

"Simon, what are you talking about?" Penny questioned, running to catch up.

She was right, at this point Simon was just muttering to himself.

"Everything I ever did was influenced by the Mage, Penny"

"So?"

"Didn't you dislike the Mage too? I didn't agree with some of his decisions but I still followed him like a damn fool"

"Simon, where is all of this coming from?"

finally, Simon turned to Penny with an annoyed expression.

"The Mage made me kill Baz, Penny!"

the volume startled Penny 

"He was just like me, forced into something that he had no control over, and I killed him!"

Simon began to stomp off in agitation. leaving Penny to have to catch up with him.

"Simon, Simon!"

she now stood in front of him.

"What happened?" her question was so genuine, that it made Simon's heart ache.

hesitantly, he let emotion flow into his explanation.

"during the fight, he told me he knew he was going to die, that I was going to have to kill him, he didn't try to avoid it, he just accepted it, Penny"

his voice sounded heartbroken.

"he said he could have killed me whenever he wanted, but he never really tried to kill me all this time..."

and then, in a very quiet murmur

"he told me he loved me, Penny, that's why I..."

it felt too painful to finish. 

"He said, he loved you?"

Simon didn't respond, But Penny could read him, and how much this destroyed Simon.

'Oh my god' Penny thought, covering her mouth.

Simon's gaze turned to Baz's face, his eyes are closed so Baz looks like he's asleep, when in reality it's just an empty husk of the once great Basilton Grimm-Pitch. A boy Simon could spend a whole week talking about if not a month, leaning lifelessly on his shoulder.

Penelope is almost tempted to ask Simon why he's carrying Baz's body on his shoulder. But she feels like asking would only make things worse.

Simon looks back at Penny, his eyes show nothing but an empty void. A dark blue hue.

"Your probably wondering..."

Simon faces away from her.

"Why I'm carrying Baz like he didn't just die a few moments ago."

Penelope tensed, knowing he just brought up something that had been on her mind at that exact moment.

"For some reason, I just can't let go of him, I..."

His voice breaks, like he might cry again.

"I-I couldn't just leave him there, Penny" he whined

Penelope was amazed, twice now did she see Simon's reaction change from monotone to a sad child.

"If I leave him, I feel like I truly lost him, like I'll forget about him, I can't..."

"I understand Simon, I'm just... well, Confused, you two used to hate each other"

Simon shook his head

"The only reason I saw him as a villain was because he acted like one. But..."

Simon stopped walking, and stood still as if reliving a memory

"He never hated me, and honestly I don't think I ever wanted to hate him, I did, but there were times when I..."

"You didn't?"

"I don't know, It's so hard to explain, everything feels so off, Baz was familiar, so familiar in my life, now that he's gone I..."

Simon begins to shiver

"Why, why did I do it Penny?"

It was that child like voice again, it was strange, Simon began to mutter to himself trying to answer his own question.

"was it because I was the chosen one? no, that has nothing to do with it, why then, why did I do it?"

"Simon, did you want to kill him?" Penelope asked. "after he told you he loved you?"

The question hurt Simon, he seemed so fragile and frail. Tears began to fall once again.

"No" Simon silently whispers, and then he says it again and again, getting louder with each word.

"No, No No No, Why? Why!"

Simon lost his sanity for a moment uttering those words like it was foreign to him. 

"Simon!" Penelope calls out, trying to calm Simon down.

"No No No No No No, Why why why, why Baz, why did you have to go? Why..."

Simon collapses on his knees, but his words grow soft, reclaiming his sense of thought.

"Why didn't you kill me, why did you love me?"

there was silence for a moment, before Simon spoke again.

"Penny?"

"What is it, Simon?"

"My head hurts"

Penny lets out a chuckle

"That's because you cried too much" she answers, rubbing comforting circles on his back.

"crybaby" Simon mutters, softly to himself.

...

"Penny?"

"Yes Simon?"

"Thank you"

"Your welcome"

Simon stands up again, still firmly carrying Baz. 

Penelope found she was fine with Simon carrying Baz's corpse on his shoulder like a rag doll, because to Simon, it was like Baz was still there, it was Simon's life line.