The Fault In Our Stars

The Fault in Our Stars

I met Tyler Oakley in an airport not a few years ago. I was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 years before that. So I was waiting for my sister at the airport when suddenly this really cute guy bumps my air tank.

“Sorry,” the stranger said. He smile and held out his hand, “I’m Tyler Oakley.”

I smiled back. “Troye Sivan.”

The weight

Of a simple human emotion

Weighs me down

More than the tank ever did

We sort of became friends after that. After a few months of friendship, I realized I wanted something more than that.

And it hurt to think he can’t return the feelings even if I knew that’s the truth.

The pain

It’s determined and demanding

To ache

Soon enough, my birthday came. Tyler took me to the rooftop of his house and prepared a picnic dinner.

I was so shocked. I never expected Tyler to do this. I turned to him and smiled. “Thank you.”

After we ate, we had lied down and looked up at the stars. He looked at me and I looked at him back. “What?” I asked. He just smiled and kissed me. It took my breath away, both literally and figuratively.

Just as I started to kiss back, I heard a camera click. He pulled away and suddenly I felt hurt. Was this a prank? A dare?

But then he said, “Starting today, I am going to document every single moment with you.”

 I smiled as I felt tears down my cheeks. Tyler wiped them and asked, “you okay?”

But I’m okay

I put my arm around his waist. “I’m perfect.”

I don’t wanna let this go

I don’t wanna lose control

I just wanna see the stars

With you

I don’t wanna say goodbye

Someone tell me why

I just wanna see the stars

With you

One day, I had an attack. Tyler and I were watching TV when suddenly I felt a pain in my chest and I couldn’t breathe.

I suddenly remembered a time before I was diagnosed when I used to complain that I was being suffocated by life. I never really knew what it really meant until my first attack.

You lost

A part of your existence

In the war

Against yourself

They told Tyler and I that some of my cancer cells have spread a bit. The only temporary cure for now was chemotherapy.

For 8 weeks I suffered. For 8 weeks I battled anorexia and cancer. For 8 weeks I made the only guy I ever loved suffer. For 8 weeks he stood by me.

I could never thank him enough.

And 8 weeks they told me my cancer cells have reduced. They weren’t completely gone but the growth subsided.

Tyler was ecstatic. He told me his Christmas wish was for me to get better.

That night, he brought me to his house to decorate his Christmas tree. Normally, I’d say no. But he looked so happy so I gave in.

I didn’t have anything against decorating. Just the Christmas lights. Every time I see lights with bright energy I’m reminded of the wonderful experiences I’m missing out on.

But when I saw Tyler’s eyes light up with those ornaments, I couldn’t help but appreciate them. Just a little.

Oh the lights

The light up in lights of sadness

Telling you

It’s time to go

After a year, Tyler and I already moved in, I started feeling weaker and weaker.

I don’t wanna let this go

I don’t wanna lose control

I just wanna see the stars

With you

I had a scan and they told me my cancer spread everywhere.

I don’t wanna say goodbye

Someone tell me why

I just wanna see the stars

With you

Weeks go by and I don’t even have the energy to smile. Tyler is doing everything for me and I just felt so guilty because I can’t even tell him I love him.

Don’t give it up just yet

Stay grand for one more minute

Don’t give it just yet

Stay grand

I pretend I don’t see the pain in Tyler’s eyes. I pretend I don’t know he’s also hurting. I pretend because it all just becomes more painful when I see him in pain, especially when it’s because of me.

Don’t give it up just yet

Stay grand for one more minute

Don’t give it just yet

Stay grand

One day, they told Tyler and I that I would die December 31. So when that day came, Tyler took me to the rooftop where we had our first date.

Don’t give it up just yet

Stay grand for one more minute

Don’t give it just yet

Stay grand

We relived every single moment of our first date and first kiss. For the first time in a while, I smiled.

After that he took me to the airport where we first met. He laid me down at the specific spot where he bumped into my tank to look up at the transparent glass ceiling.

I don’t wanna let this go

I don’t wanna lose control

I just wanna see the stars

With you

I don’t wanna say goodbye

Someone tell me why

I just wanna see the stars

With you

Three seconds to New Year, I kissed him.

Two seconds to New Year, I told him, “I love you.”

One second to New Year, I slept with a smile on my face forever.

With you